Standing Nowhere

Unburned — Diane Buehler on Abuse, Faith, Motherhood

• Jacob Buehler • Episode 12

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One afternoon in California, Diane Buehler quietly buckled her four young children into the car and left home for good—fleeing ten years of domestic abuse. In this special episode (the first with a guest on Standing Nowhere), host Jacob sits down with his mother, Diane, to hear how she not only survived those violent years but went on to raise five kids alone with unshakeable faith.

Picture Diane as a young mother standing over a crib in the dark, one gentle hand resting on her sleeping baby’s head as she whispers, “Dear God, please watch them throughout their lives.” That humble nighttime prayer sustained her through chaos and pain. From simple childhood memories of ice-skating on frozen ponds and showing pigs at county fairs, to long days of work and worry as a single mom, Diane learned to find a quiet strength in the everyday moments of grace.

Together, Diane and Jacob explore the hard-won lessons of her journey — resilience in the face of fear, the power of a mother’s love, the decision to finally walk away from abuse, and the deep well of forgiveness that awaited on the other side. She speaks candidly about the years it took to rebuild: nights of tears and doubt, welfare lines and thrift store bargains, and the bold leap of faith that led her to earn a master’s degree while raising four kids on her own.

Yet even more inspiring is what came after survival: the healing. Today, Diane can honestly say she forgives the very man who hurt her. In her words, “some things look hopeless, but it’s not hopeless. You must beg God to hear your prayer. And he does hear it.” Through all the flames she walked through, she kept a spirit of compassion alive — a testament to grace that challenges and uplifts everyone listening.

This heartfelt conversation ends with a special scripture blessing from the Book of Isaiah: “When you walk through fire, you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.” Those ancient words echo through Diane’s life story, reminding us that even in our darkest trials we are never alone. In the end, Diane Buehler’s journey shines with a simple promise: no matter how fierce the fire, love and faith will carry us through.

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Jacob:

Hello everyone and welcome back to the Standing Nowhere podcast. This is your host Jacob. Today is a very special episode, number 12. Very special because it is the first time I have a guest on the show. And the guest is somebody very dear to my heart. It is none other than my mother, Diane Buehler. And she's going to share with you some stories and adventures of her life. through her childhood and adult years. I won't give the show away, but there are some intense stories that I want to give you a heads up for. She shares how she survived abuse, raising five children all by herself, and how she found strength in her faith to get her through it all. and keep her going to this day. It's a very powerful and honest conversation about life with all of the ups and downs. And also at the end, I dedicated a special scripture reading just for her. So let's get into it. Here we are.

Diane:

Hello.

Jacob:

This is exciting.

Diane:

Hello.

Jacob:

All right. This is my twelfth episode

Diane:

And we ended up... My mom and dad had five children. I was number two.

Jacob:

Sorry to interrupt. You were born in San Diego?

Diane:

Yeah, California.

Jacob:

Oh, I didn't know that.

Diane:

What? Whatever. So

Jacob:

I'm cutting into... I got my sense of humor from my mother. I thought you grew up in Indiana. Or have you not got to that part of the story?

Diane:

I haven't gotten there

Jacob:

yet. Oh, okay. See, I'm jumping

Diane:

in. Okay, take it away. Yeah, yeah, just don't interrupt me,

Jacob:

okay? I won't interrupt.

Diane:

Okay. No, you can anytime. Yeah, so I was born in San Diego. I think we moved to Nebraska for about six months when I was five. And then we ended up going to Indiana. My dad bought five acres for $17,000. And that just ages me, I know. But it was a good deal then. And he worked at Notre Dame University.

Jacob:

What did he do there?

Diane:

And he was like an assistant professor. What

Jacob:

did he teach?

Diane:

He worked with the computers and the computers were the size of a whole one or two bedroom house. Back then he took us on a tour. And also the advantages were that he dropped us off every weekend to ice skate. So that was fun. So he

Jacob:

would drop you off and then go teach?

Diane:

Well, I don't know what he was doing. And then the back of the five acres was like a field. And of course we had... a couple of horses and pigs and stuff. You

Jacob:

had a horse too, right? If I remember.

Diane:

Well, technically my sister, but she didn't ride it. So I got to ride the horse all the time. And we were like in the horse shows. The

Jacob:

4-H fairs.

Diane:

You told me about those. Yeah, 4-H fairs. And we had pigs. We entered them in the 4-H fair. And of course we came out, we named them Pork Chops and something else. And then we won second place. And then my dad made us eat the pigs. And he said, that's just what you do.

Jacob:

So wait a minute. You raise these pigs. They win second place at a fair. So you love them. You care for them. And then he made you eat them.

Diane:

Yes. I remember being at the dinner table eating my pig and hot dogs, pork chops and everything. What was that like? It was something he told us that we just do. We raised him and we were in a competition at the 4-H fair and won the the awards we trained them with a cane by their neck and the the curvy part of a cane you can train a pig to walk where you want it to

Jacob:

keep it in a straight

Diane:

line yeah and we would ride it you know

Jacob:

i still can't get over the fact that you ate your own pigs like of course he says that's just life but like what was in your mind how old were you when you did this um maybe 12 so you're 12 years old eating your own beloved pig what was the feeling like i mean that's

Diane:

it's like just what he We complained a little bit about it, but he just acted like it was normal. And we also had a steer. We had that steer. We butchered it and ate it, but we didn't eat the horses.

Jacob:

Right. That's good. I remember you had a name for one of your horses.

Diane:

April was my horse. And then, well, it was technically my sister's to ride. And then we had a pony named Princess and a colt. And I forget the name. A star. Star.

Jacob:

Wow. Okay.

Diane:

And we didn't train Star. I

Jacob:

remember you told me once that your horse was running really quick one day and just out of the blue. It stopped dead.

Diane:

She always did that. Really? She always did that. And I just got back on and kept riding. But you

Jacob:

would fly off, basically.

Diane:

Yes. Yes. And I would get back on and then I would walk her. So she didn't try it. She would try it again sometimes. And half of the five acres was the woods, so she would also take off with me. And I had no control. She just went straight back to the barn. I had to duck my head and get back in. So we were brought up kind of tough kids. It wasn't really a farm. It was just a lot of animals and garden. Did you ever milk

Jacob:

cows?

Diane:

I did from a neighbor. We did milk a cow, but it wasn't on a regular basis. And so it was fun times and I'd meet up with my friends and we'd ride together out in the woods somewhere. That's

Jacob:

amazing. What a different childhood than today. I mean, even from my childhood, that's...

Diane:

I know I felt bad raising you in the city and we started out in Spokane when I had my kids, but...

Jacob:

California,

Diane:

even before. Then we were in Indiana and then when I was 14, my dad moved us to California, back to California. Thousand Oaks, California. He bought a good house with a pool in a good neighborhood. We went to high school there, and that's when I started rebelling and everything.

Jacob:

Started rebelling? Yeah. Okay, so I want to talk about that because this is like your teenage years that you are transitioning into here, like high school when you're back in California. And when you say rebelling, what exactly did that look like?

Diane:

You take life chances. I'm surprised I'm alive. And back then, we'd hitchhike, pick up hitchhikers, go party with them, and all kinds of things you probably still don't know, Jake.

Jacob:

That's what we're here for. I'm going to listen. I'm going to reflect back on this.

Diane:

I guess my dad taught us a lot of independence. And so because of those five acres in Indiana, he taught us to be competitive with 4-H Fair, we had to keep records of all the animals and when we fed them and stuff. And then we moved to California and they were so busy that a lot of times, I would just lie to my parents and go where I wanted.

Jacob:

And that's when he was teaching?

Diane:

No, he got a new job in California where he worked with a bigger company.

Jacob:

He was into computers like when they first started. Like you said, they were like the size of rooms.

Diane:

Yes.

Jacob:

And what did your mom do?

Diane:

She would stay at home.

Jacob:

Stay at home?

Diane:

And she went to nursing school when we were in Indiana, but she really never worked until we got to California. And once she decided to divorce my dad, that's when she worked for maybe a couple months.

Jacob:

Oh, okay. So I remember you telling me that you moved out kind of young and it wasn't exactly the most pleasant experience when you moved out. I think you said you were 19? 17. Oh, you were 17. Can you talk about what led up to that and what that was like when when you first moved out, and that 17 is young to move out.

Diane:

Well, because I was rebelling, I met a boyfriend when I was 15. He was like a fatal attraction. But in the meantime, my parents are not getting along, and so she decides to leave him. My dad's devastated. I'm saying, well, at least there's no more fighting in the house. A lot of yelling.

Jacob:

So you were 17 when your parents decided to split, basically.

Diane:

Yes, and then I moved out. Because my mom took off with a man she had met.

Jacob:

And you didn't like him?

Diane:

I didn't even know him. He picked me up from school one day.

Jacob:

But she just decided to leave.

Diane:

She just decided to leave my dad. And within a few months, she had a boyfriend. She ended up marrying him and was married to him for 17 years. Oh,

Jacob:

Grandpa Phil.

Diane:

Yes. Okay. And she ended up... I ended up getting a divorce too, but when she left my dad, nobody was watching. Nobody. Everybody was busy.

Jacob:

He was busy at work. What was that?

Diane:

They were too traumatized by the divorce that I just really got my freedom. I

Jacob:

was going to ask, what was that like? You're the second oldest of five siblings, three girls, two guys. I'm sorry, three sisters and two brothers. And 17 years old, what was going through the mind of all five of you when... They split. I mean, that had to be earth-shaking news, right?

Diane:

Well, she left us to go to Arizona with the guy.

Jacob:

How quickly are we talking?

Diane:

Left all five kids in a two-bedroom condo with my dad.

Jacob:

Really?

Diane:

Because they had sold the house because of the divorce. And this all happened within a few months. And so I said, Dad, I'm going to go live with someone else. There were two guys. Sandy took off, my oldest sister, and she took off and lived with some people there. Then he had the three kids there.

Jacob:

The younger ones. Laura and your brother Mike and Billy.

Diane:

Yeah.

Jacob:

And I'm just trying to like put myself in your shoes at this time. So the announcement comes and how quickly is your mom just overnight?

Diane:

She's gone. Yeah, I think he was living in a motel room. They sold the house. They broke up in my senior year of high school, and she was already in Arizona with the new guy by the time I graduated. Wow.

Jacob:

It was hard on you and Sandy, the older two, but I'm sure the younger three were pretty devastated.

Diane:

Yeah, there was just no more fighting, though, so there was a good side to it.

Jacob:

Bittersweet.

Diane:

Yes, yes. And my dad was devastated, but my mom moved on and she met the new guy. And he ended up being in our lives for 17 years. He was a very strong role model, actually. But we stayed in California for a little while. And you're

Jacob:

talking about Grandpa Phil being the strong role model? Yeah. So you loved him as well. And I know you absolutely loved your, you loved both your parents, but I know you especially loved your dad. He was very close to you.

Diane:

Yeah.

Jacob:

Very supportive of you.

Diane:

Uh-huh.

Jacob:

So, man, it's crazy that I'm learning all this in detail now for the first

Diane:

time.

Jacob:

I wish I had been more curious

Diane:

before. Yes, because you really need to know about family history, really. It's really good to know about grandmas, grandpas, great-grandmas, grandpas. Because the one half, my mom was all Italian. And she had a coldness to her.

Jacob:

Your grandma?

Diane:

My grandma. My mom.

Jacob:

Oh, your

Diane:

mom. And my grandma was cold to my mom. My mom wasn't really one to sit down and teach us things or talk to us. And so when they say if you're emotionally unavailable for your kids, it has a devastating effect, but you don't know it until your kids are grown.

Jacob:

It's like a subconscious thing.

Diane:

Well, you don't know how you're being. My mom only knew what she knew. She didn't know. how to probably be warm and unconditional in her love. In fact, she said later on, there's no such thing as unconditional love. I

Jacob:

want to know, did you have any feelings of resentment towards her in all of this?

Diane:

Oh, yeah.

Jacob:

Because it seems like you have a good relationship, though. No, I was

Diane:

not close to my mom.

Jacob:

Really?

Diane:

Yeah. She's thrown me out of the house more times than account when I used to go visit her from far away so it was only because I disagreed with her or something and she said I'm not going to put up with this and she threw my clothes out and I called somebody to come get me and there was no yelling either it was just she was straight to the got mad at something I said or disagreed with or something I don't know

Jacob:

wow

Diane:

so nobody really believed me until they saw it for themselves my siblings know but But we don't, you know, she's passed.

Jacob:

Yeah, I remember the final years with her were not easy. You were there for her quite a bit, but it was not an easy passing, right?

Diane:

Yeah. She had pancreatic cancer and it was hard because her husband, her third husband had dementia. And so here she's dying. She's walking around though. She's just getting weaker and he's finally not being able to find the bathroom in the house. So it was the three girls, me and my two sisters, and we were trying to hustle and take care of them and stuff.

Jacob:

Okay. Well, let me, let me ask you about the, the years where you transitioned out of the house because I think that when I think of the memories that you've told me about that to me strikes me as a really exciting time in your life like you were on your own you said you moved out with two guys you said dad I'm just going to move out then Sandy moved out so it was just your three youngest but can you talk about how that transitioned into your college years your initial aspirations to be I think you were wanting to get into broadcasting or the news and then you also mentioned you you were an actress as well, or an actor in Lambs Players, the traveling actors. So can you talk about kind of like, okay, you leave the house, and how does this transition into those kind of crazy years?

Diane:

Well, those two guys were just friends. Actually, I didn't know them very well, but I slept on the couch, and it was just a rough over my head. Then my mom comes back into town. She had just turned a Christian.

Jacob:

Okay.

Diane:

She asked me and my younger sister to go to Arizona with her, and I'm thinking, this lady's lost her. So she

Jacob:

comes back, says she's found God.

Diane:

Yeah. Yes. And she asked us to go back with her. So we went back with her, and I was living with my dad in a house at that time. He got more settled, and I paid him rent, I worked as a waitress, but she I go back with her and I'm working at like a

Jacob:

Dairy Queen was it

Diane:

oh that was when I was 15 oh

Jacob:

okay

Diane:

and the guy kept following me into the cooler room before there

Jacob:

was human

Diane:

resources before there was any laws about sexual you

Jacob:

told me about that he cornered you in the freezer

Diane:

yes and then I yeah so there's more stories but

Jacob:

so so you moved out you came back after your mom came back and lived with her and

Diane:

I was in Arizona living with her is

Jacob:

this when you found your faith

Diane:

and And so I was there for a little bit, but she had two missionaries spend the night, and we went to church with them. They were really nice, but I was in her guest bedroom by myself, and I asked for the true God to come into my life, because I was studying Zen Buddhism. Really? sleeping with my karate instructor who I was 18 and he was 36. We

Jacob:

need to make a biopic for you.

Diane:

Oh my gosh. And so that's before she asked me to come out to Arizona. So I told him, hey, I'm leaving. And I was just a kid. I was 18, you know, but he's...

Jacob:

You had your green belt, I think is what you...

Diane:

Almost, because it took me a year to get to the green belt stage, but I moved.

Jacob:

So you left and came back home and then your mom says, come to church with me.

Diane:

Yeah. No. Well, yeah, but she kept talking about God on the way to Arizona, and I finally talked to him. I talked to God in her spare bedroom because I was learning about Zen Buddhism from my karate teacher and stuff like that. But I asked for the true God to come into my life.

Jacob:

You told me this story, but I want to hear you say it again just so I remember all the details. You were by yourself in the room.

Diane:

Yes.

Jacob:

And I don't know if it was a dream or a

Diane:

vision. No, it was... I was wide awake. Okay, and what happened? But I was laying down and I reached my hands into the air while I was laying down. I said, true God, please come into my life. And so then I closed my arms to my chest and I felt this, and this sounds really weird, but I felt this sweeping from my feet all the way up through my eyes and it was almost like demonic stuff. And that's freaky to tell people. No, I've heard

Jacob:

it described that

Diane:

way before. I'm not a charismatic person. I don't get into all that healing, even though it could be. And so I go, you know what? I'm just going to trust this, that this was God. And so I didn't tell anybody for a couple weeks. But then I gave my testimony two weeks later at her church, and that's when I told everybody.

Jacob:

Was that a big paradigm shift for you after this experience? What was your daily...

Diane:

No, because I didn't know how to be a Christian, and I didn't know how to be like those people in church. I was a jeans girl. I was rough around the edges. And I'd go to church, and I'd see these girls dressed up, and I'm going, God, I can't be like them. I don't know how to be girly girl. And so I just went in my jeans and stuff and met some Christians and stuff.

Jacob:

Sounds like you're saying, I don't know how to be phony, like you wanted to be yourself. Well,

Diane:

I'm sure in their own way they're real, and they're sincere.

Jacob:

I'm not calling them phony, but you know how it is. Sometimes there's that image that we try to uphold at church, that I'm a good Christian.

Diane:

Yeah. But I never, never, till this day, back down on my faith and that Jesus Christ is the Son of God. Never will I do that, because it's been too many miracles happening in my life. Although I I lived most of my life as what they call a lukewarm Christian.

Jacob:

Backsliding.

Diane:

Well, I don't know if I was ever really fully. So I told God, I just don't know how to be like them. So I went back to California and lived in San Diego at 20 and went to college. And I was a waitress at Lawrence Wells. And so I met this girl. Anyway, I auditioned for this theater group that was a traveling theater. And they had a bus and a two-ton truck. And I auditioned, and I got in, and I raised support because it was Christian. It was evangelistic.

Jacob:

So they're a Christian theater group, and you just heard about them, and you raised some money to join them? Yep. Just on a whim, you

Diane:

decided. Yep. Wow. And the guy that got together, Lambs Players, he was an actor in Hollywood for a long time. He was always on Bonanza. Is this

Jacob:

the guy you named me after? This is kind of a secret between

Diane:

you and me. No, this was the head guy on our tour, Jake. Jake Taylor or something like that. So I auditioned. I got in. I raised the money. I was supposed to raise $600. I lived off of $300. We got an apartment in And we went on tour in this old bus, 19-seater bus. I was the first female in that group that was a driver for the bus and the two-ton truck.

Jacob:

So you weren't the only woman there, just the only driver.

Diane:

Right. The only female driver. And you

Jacob:

drove the whole bus.

Diane:

Well, yeah, I was the only female driver. Yeah. And so then we drove through the Rockies. We went to Oregon. We went to Washington. We went to California. We performed in all the jails. In jails. Oh, yeah. And Tascadero for the criminally insane. And for San Quentin, they said, hey, you guys go in. There's no guarantee you're coming out. And you cannot, if they hold you hostage, there's nothing we're going to do. Did

Jacob:

that make

Diane:

you nervous?

Jacob:

No. You were

Diane:

like, bring it on. I was fearless. Yeah, you were. And then back in San Quentin, when we were there, In the back of the building, there was a cement tub-like, probably 15 by 15 with water in it. And they were baptizing guys. And they were singing, standing around singing, and I once was a murderer, but Jesus set me free. I once was a, you know, whatever. That's amazing. Yeah. And it was very touching. And then we'd go off to the next place. Yeah.

Jacob:

That's incredible. I mean, you were out there. and you were not only entertaining people, but spreading love, spreading the gospel. You can tell the little short story of the people who... Because the character you played, I believe, was a man, right?

Diane:

I played two characters, but yes, I was dead Fred. And I was Fred, and I looked like a guy because I had a hood. This is Renaissance costumes, by the way.

Jacob:

They put a beard on you?

Diane:

Well, with makeup only.

Jacob:

With makeup.

Diane:

And so they all thought I was guy, you know, because... How you doing? And so then I, I would shake their hand and then they, one guy went, ew, you're not a guy. And so.

Jacob:

So you just felt your hand like, it was like all of a sudden, wow, there's a little too feminine.

Diane:

Yep.

Jacob:

That's hilarious.

Diane:

Yeah.

Jacob:

So how long did you continue with, with lambs players and, and how does that eventually bring you to Whitworth and meeting dad and all of that? Well,

Diane:

when I got out of, lambsplayers, I thought, what am I going to do with my life? I'm 21 years old, almost 22. And so I applied to Whitworth University up in Spokane, Washington, because my fellow lambies, they told me about, they went there and they said, Whitworth's really good. And it's a really nice town and pine trees and everything. So I applied. But while I was waiting, I lived with my dad who was back in Thousand Oaks. And I I worked at the hospital as a housekeeper and I cleaned rooms, saved all my money. He drove me up to the college. I lived in a dorm and the dorm was, the theme was simple living dorm. And I got my own room actually because I was almost 23 by that time. And so I went to school for two of those years in a dorm and then I met your dad. How did that happen? I went to the last year we lived outside the dorm. How'd that happen?

Jacob:

Every child's curious, like, how did my parents meet?

Diane:

On the campus?

Jacob:

The

Diane:

first time you saw him. They talked about him and they said, hey, here's so-and-so. And we smoked a joint together, partied together. And that's where I've made most of my mistakes. You heard

Jacob:

it, folks. You admitted it

Diane:

right here. It's partying together. And then we're laughing and, oh, we think we're in love. Because all you have to do is be intoxicated and you've already fallen in love with that person. And then when you sober up, you're thinking, what was I thinking? You

Jacob:

were young. You were both young.

Diane:

But I went ahead because we kept, we would smoke pot together or drink. He wasn't really involved in going to school. He was kind of like dropping out but living in the dorm.

Jacob:

His heart wasn't in

Diane:

it. Yeah, and by then I was majoring in broadcast journalism, and I was like really gung-ho. Committed. I was going to go to Seattle and do an internship there. I did it at a TV station in Spokane, and this is right when I'm meeting him. But none of those dreams came true after that. I

Jacob:

ruined it for you.

Diane:

No, you didn't. You were the product of a bad choice I made.

Jacob:

So you guys fell in love, quote unquote, and the face you're making right now. You had a lot of good years together. But I wanted to kind of talk about that a little bit. You were about 26 when you had me. So how did the question get popped? Will you marry me? And how did you guys transition into marriage and then what was it like transitioning into the married life? Because you were talking about you had these dreams. I'm guessing that has something to do with it.

Diane:

Well, I was 25 when we got married, and I was graduating.

Jacob:

Okay. So you got your bachelor's.

Diane:

I got my bachelor's degree in broadcast journalism, and then we said, well, let's go live on the island because he's from the San Juan Islands over there by Seattle.

Jacob:

Orcas Island. Yes.

Diane:

Yeah. I said, but, you know, I don't know. I don't really want to. And he said, well, as far as your career goes, I don't think that's going to work being married. And that was the first of my downfall with everything. He

Jacob:

said to you, I don't think this is going to work

Diane:

if you pursue that career? No, he said, I don't think, yeah, it's going to be hard to have a marriage where you have that kind of a career.

Jacob:

Okay.

Diane:

So we went over to the island for three months. And

Jacob:

you left college at that point.

Diane:

I was graduated, yes.

Jacob:

You graduated, but you didn't pursue any broadcasting. Instead, you wanted to focus on getting married, starting

Diane:

a family. Yeah, and then we moved down to California again, Huntington Beach. And

Jacob:

this

Diane:

is probably where I jump into this. Pregnant with you. Okay. And then it was basically a domestic violence marriage from even up in college when I married him before I ever had you. And we were... were we were arguing from the get-go and he one time he drove crazy I start I ran out of the car and he chased after me and held me by the waist carried me like a log and plopped me down on the grass and a man saw and he pulled over and came up to me and said ma'am do you want me to call the police and I said And so there was the beginning of 13 years, 11 years. That was

Jacob:

the first time that he had ever been really physical with you?

Diane:

No. Um, yes, he had quite a temper before I ever married him. So what's that tell you? Hey, we get along, we party, we laugh, we, we have fun together and then you ignore everything else and you marry him, you know? Yeah. And

Jacob:

you genuinely loved him. However, he had a lot of things that he was carrying from his childhood, obviously with the anger.

Diane:

Yes.

Jacob:

So, so that happened before you got married, before you got pregnant with me, what What was life like after I came into the picture and you became a mom and you guys became parents?

Diane:

I couldn't. I was extremely sheltered, extremely. I went from this girl that had all these adventures to being home with my kids. Not that that's a bad thing.

Jacob:

It takes a lot out of you.

Diane:

But he was working, and he had a traveling job, so it was my job to look up where he had to go on the map and if I didn't you know and he would wait till the last minute to get ready and all hell broke loose during that time every time he'd leave for out of town or to do anywhere in LA so

Jacob:

he would get stressed out before he had to go oh

Diane:

yeah and then one time I I could tell you stories Yeah,

Jacob:

we're not demonizing him and we're not vilifying him because obviously a lot of time has passed since then, but this is something that you went through and there's a lot of potential listeners that may be going through this right now. So I think it's, if you're comfortable with sharing it. Well, I think

Diane:

the biggest reveal that I had, one time I said, he wouldn't let me go anywhere, grocery shopping or anything, because if the kids were home, well, this was just YouTube home you were

Jacob:

me and jess

Diane:

you were like one and a half and she was um you know a year younger yeah so um anyway so i went to the grocery store and he was timing me and so when

Jacob:

timing you

Diane:

yeah He watched how long I was gone for.

Jacob:

Why?

Diane:

Because he didn't want me gone. And I wanted to go by myself because I was with kids all day, every day.

Jacob:

Yeah, you wanted to get out.

Diane:

Yeah, and this was rare that I could go out and do some shopping. But I forgot something. And we had it where the garage was there. Then you go up the stairs and there's the apartment on top of the garage. Well, he didn't know I came back into the door. And I heard him talking to somebody, but he wasn't talking to anybody except for himself. And he was saying, ah, she's such a slob. Your mom's such a slob. Look at her. She's so lazy. And I stood there. I was in shock that he talked about me. And he thought I had left.

Jacob:

Who was this to?

Diane:

To himself.

Jacob:

It wasn't to me as a baby or something?

Diane:

Well, maybe you were in the room but nobody else was there

Jacob:

did you say hello like I'm here behind you or did you just let him I

Diane:

think I did I don't know if I said I I can't remember either that or I walked out I was devastated and so I went shopping and got home and there it was and I'm not gonna cause a big fight over it but I learned after years you don't Yell back. You don't fight him on it. Because I was very afraid of my life for many years. So it

Jacob:

could escalate very quickly if

Diane:

you fought back. And he was unpredictable. So he was very calm when you look at him. But within a second, he'd be hovering over me with his fists. I'm going to kill you, effing. You said that? Yes. It was a very scary time for me. for 11 years and a counselor five years into it we tried to get counseling but he yeah

Jacob:

this is four children later too for those listening it's it's you had four kids yeah and then how was this during was this after Jeremy was born the youngest of the four at the time

Diane:

well the five years into it

Jacob:

oh so it would have been

Diane:

just me and Jess I was yeah but you I I talked to the doctor about you I went to the pediatrician nutrition. I said, my son is very depressed. He's very depressed and I don't know what to do. And the doctor said, well, you do this. And he walked across the room and he said, you just walk. And I said, okay, but when you're sheltered and nobody knows the dynamics in your family, it's very hard to, because you're like, if you picture someone in a cell and then they let the prisoner out and then they have to be in society. So that's, I felt like I didn't know what to do in society. So the

Jacob:

doctor's just telling you, just walk, just get it, just walk away. But in your mind, you're like, well, how do I do that? Yeah.

Diane:

So I stayed a few more years and then we went to a marriage counselor and and then that's when your dad walked out of the room because he was he didn't want to discuss

Jacob:

anything

Diane:

he got mad well that counselor I never forgot said you have to choose the best of the two evils either you stay or you go through the hardship of leaving but both are hard what do you choose and I stayed for five more years. This was 11 years into it. And then I told him I was leaving him.

Jacob:

Wow.

Diane:

And so... I

Jacob:

I was going to ask in regards to this whole situation, because in my mind, it can't be easy. You have a marriage, you have kids together, you know, you have this daily routine, you have love, genuine love for this person, but there's also the violent aspect as well, the physical aspect.

Diane:

So, yeah, and it's hard on the kids. And so you were in a depression. I remember. And when I left him, you were 10. And guess what? You got happy. I remember that. And when you decide to leave your abusive spouse, it is the hardest thing in the world because you don't know where to go or what to do. But all of a sudden, the kids feel relief because there's no violence in the home.

Jacob:

I remember it. It was very intense. There was one time, which made me get choked up just now, where I saw something, and it was really hard. And I mentioned it on another episode. I didn't go into any details, though, out of respect for all parties, you know, but... I remember those years and how scary they were. And in regards to you knowing the exact moment that it was time to leave, didn't you consult also the pastor of our church or something like that?

Diane:

That was for the divorce, but when I actually wanted to leave, I was in California, and I had a five-month-old baby. And that was my fourth child. And what made me decide was, okay, usually a mother will leave when they feel that their kids are in danger. That's not always true. But you two, I stayed for 10 years. And then I had two more. And they were two and five months. Well, one day, I was on the phone with the insurance company. And I was talking and he was in the background saying, dead body if they could. And it was so embarrassing. So I said, well, thank you, ma'am. I hung up, and I knew not to yell at him because I put myself in danger. But he took a broomstick and threw it across the corner of the wall, and splinters started going everywhere, and my two-year-old was standing there.

Jacob:

This was California.

Diane:

Yeah, and I had to back him up.

Jacob:

Josh was... Two. Two, and then Jeremy was... Okay, yeah, I remember that. I remember those years,

Diane:

yeah. So then... I had to back him up, and so he went in the other room. I gathered my two little ones who were not in school, and I said, I'm going to go pick up the other two from school now. He said, okay, and I got in the car, and I picked you up from school, and all four of you were in the car, and I drove to my sister's, and I called them, and I said, I'm leaving you because I was tired of it. I was tired of the danger my kids were in. I was tired of thinking I was going lose my life all the time and the cops coming and not believing me because he was very calm when they got there and a lot of it was emotional abuse too and of course police don't really take that serious

Jacob:

especially back then

Diane:

but that'll do a job on you that emotional abuse oh

Jacob:

yeah

Diane:

oh that'll just wipe wipe out every kind of confidence you have or self-esteem that you have but that's that's how I left him

Jacob:

well I appreciate you sharing all that because I know that's not easy. And in that same vein, that moment you decided to leave, which sounds like it was building and then it was spontaneous with that outburst, something just popped in your head and you're like, I'm out. For people, for someone listening though who loves their partner but feels torn and unsafe like you were, what would you tell them?

Diane:

I would tell them to start researching and avenues options that you would have because after that I went to the social welfare office and I said I want to leave my husband we own a house in Spokane what do I do they said go to Spokane because they have good benefits there and then you get on your feet but you some people have to leave immediately now the trick is not going back and I never went back but some people leave then go back leave and that'll mess with your head too so it's very important that you find help there's shelters out there because I had a shelter lined up and everything and Jessica remembers me blocking the front door with furniture that night but anyway I also for the divorce I applied to Gonzaga University and told them my story because in the law school there, they'll do your divorce for free if your case is severe enough. So I interviewed with them. I wrote down everything that's happened and they accepted my case and they represented me in court free.

Jacob:

Wow. That's incredible.

Diane:

And then after that, I cried for two years. I was on welfare. I had a bachelor's degree. I tried to work, but the childcare was a lot. And I just stayed on welfare for the first two years, stayed on for another two years because I applied for my master's degree and my teaching certificate. And the president of that program at Whitworth said, Ms. Buehler, nobody has done this program as a single mom with four kids, nobody. And I said, watch me. And I did it. And You did. He was so proud of me. And I graduated, got my first job in Las Vegas.

Jacob:

I remember that.

Diane:

But I stayed in that house that we owned. And he signed it over to me because he got a settlement for his knee injury or something. And it was about the same equity in the house. So he gave me the house. I said, you pay the bills. I'll pay the house. And so he didn't pay the bills. Yeah. he has had an epiphany and got his life settled. And now he contacts you regularly. So I don't want, I did get away. I got away safely. My kids were safe. I didn't want them to see me on welfare. So I borrowed the money to go to college. The state, the government did not pay for it. And I wanted you to see what a work ethic was like. And And so, but I shopped at garage sales and Goodwill and everything. I always, you got all your winter clothes

Jacob:

from. So with the aftermath of all of that, and this is a tough question for me to ask you or anyone listening who is going through something like this, but do you have compassion for dad? And have you forgiven?

Diane:

Yes. You forgive him? Oh, absolutely. I wouldn't marry him again. No, of course. As a human being. Oh, it's, you know, I don't know if he has little tidbits of anger still, but he learned a long, a big lesson in his own life from his temper, which is not my duty to say anything about. But all I know is that we got out safely. We got out alive. And your dad, through the years, came to a self-enlightenment or something. something, and he is sincere now, and he contacts all of you kids. And he helps you financially. I mean, five. I have five now, because the other half of the story was Las Vegas and on.

Jacob:

Yeah, I wanted to talk about that as well. I mean, that was a whole new life for you when we came to Vegas. You were a single mother raising four kids at the time we came down. I think you had just turned 39 or 40. And I wanted to ask... after you got the master's degree alone and doing all of that, and you came to Vegas, you were under a lot of, I mean, you had done a lot raising four kids, getting that master's degree, moving us down, getting the job. What was life like in Vegas? Because I remember you worked hard, but you also celebrated in a

Diane:

way. Well, yeah, that's a whole nother section of my life. But for four and a half years, I was going through that. that divorce, crying, and then going through a year and a half of college, two summers, one school year, and another semester of getting that master's degree. I remember

Jacob:

that. You'd bring me to the library when you were doing your thesis, and I would play and try to keep quiet.

Diane:

And I was working like 70 hours a week. And did I start neglecting? Probably, because I had papers to write, I had research, and it was either sink or swim. Yeah, none of

Jacob:

us ever held that against you. You were a single mom with four kids. and you were busting your ass.

Diane:

But just so you know that when I had food stamps, I was damned in society, in public, that I wasn't supporting you well enough. Then when I got busy in Las Vegas working and everything, I was damned for working too much and neglecting you. So there really is no win-win for a single mom. Especially

Jacob:

with four kids. Yes. And then if you want to talk about maybe briefly how you met. I'm not going to say a name, of course, to protect his privacy, but you met another man for a short time.

Diane:

Yes, and he was... It was after not dating for four and a half years, and I just started teaching two months into it. Actually, I knew him for three months. We got married, to make a long story short. I remember

Jacob:

that, yeah.

Diane:

He said he couldn't have kids, and that's how I had my fifth,

Jacob:

because

Diane:

I believed him. And I had a fifth child, but... We were already divorced by, we were married for like five months. Anyway, so I had the job. I worked and then finally I got a job. So he was taken care of. I got a job as an adjunct at night as teaching English 101 and 102. I remember that.

Jacob:

You were two

Diane:

jobs. Yeah. So here you're getting neglected even more and more. And I'm trying to support you. Because I still didn't get child support and I didn't have any family in Las So I had you 24 hours a day, which is fine, but the two jobs. And then I would direct plays after school for middle school.

Jacob:

I remember that. I used to go to your plays and you were

Diane:

great. And so there it was, is that I ended up... The only regret I have is neglecting my kids because of the busyness.

Jacob:

And I think that's parenting brain. We're always holding ourselves to a high standard because we love our kids and we want to make sure we're the best possible parent for it, at least the ones who care, and you cared. But even in spite of your circumstances of having, at that time now, five kids, working two jobs, trying to survive, you're still going to be hard on yourself. But Vegas, it had its own set of new things to to go through Vegas is a pretty intense city and I wanted to talk to you about

Diane:

That could be another podcast.

Jacob:

We're looking pretty good on time. If you're comfortable with it, I mean, because it was a big thing when it happened. I was 19, I think. For those listening, my younger brother, I remember I was seven years old when he was born, so we have a seven-year gap. And I think... I don't remember how old he was when it started, but if you... He struggles with addiction. I'll just say it. And it's not been easy for me. And I can only imagine as a parent. And I was wondering if you wouldn't mind sharing all the adventures your life has already been. What was it like the day that you found out that your son was an addict to hard drugs?

Diane:

Well, he started as a... Okay, these are the after effects. You're going to say, oh, don't blame yourself. But these are the after effects of being too busy and not nurturing your kids. If you sit and talk with your kids and you listen to what they have to say. Do you know how many students of mine in middle school didn't know how to have an opinion because their parents never asked them what they thought?

Jacob:

Really?

Diane:

And I had to teach them. teach them how in journaling. But this is what happens when your kids are small and I was under severe pressure with a bad marriage and then going to Spokane, going through my master's degree and everything. And I really feel that the two smallest kids got the brunt of that because they were raised by me. Busy you. Yes, yes. And then my fifth child was raised solely by me in Las Vegas.

Jacob:

With most of us kind of grown up and

Diane:

moved out. And you two were, got the, when they say that most of you, you're by six years old, your personality's already formed. Well, my first two oldest, which is you, and the second born, lived in that violence, but you still had a mom and dad. Right. But it's still not good to have them around. fearing for their life either. So the next two got the brunt of it and started when he was 15. He was pretty good, but he's always taking chances in life. And when he was 15, I asked him to take out the trash or something. He was addicted to his computer. And this is in Las Vegas. And I cut the Ethernet cord.

Jacob:

You just pulled? Oh, you cut it with scissors? I cut it.

Diane:

Oh, okay. He never forgot it till this day, but he doesn't resent me for it because he's the one kid that you and actually have never disrespected me ever. And so I cut it, ran away for two weeks.

Jacob:

Because of that?

Diane:

Yes.

Jacob:

So you cut the

Diane:

cord. That's when the drug started.

Jacob:

That, after that.

Diane:

Yes.

Jacob:

So he runs away and what happens? When does he come back?

Diane:

At two weeks later.

Jacob:

So he comes back two weeks later and how did you know he was addicted to something at that point or what? By

Diane:

the looks of him, and then he only stayed maybe for a couple hours and left again.

Jacob:

He

Diane:

was in the streets for a good 10 years after that. Yeah, it was very devastating, and he started with meth at the park, at the skate park. And then he went to heroin, and then he eventually went to fentanyl

Jacob:

which is where he's at now

Diane:

uh he's off fentanyl now okay he's been in and out he's still not a felon surprisingly wow and probation drug courts what three three drug courts at a year each and um he's just something inside the dark side of him won't let him see the the intelligent side of him because he he's extremely intelligent

Jacob:

out of all my five all out of all five siblings, I don't know if you'd agree, he is the most sweetest and tenderest.

Diane:

He's just, he's

Jacob:

so sweet. And he's always, everyone loves to be around him.

Diane:

Yes, yes. And my fourth born, third born, my fourth born is struggling with some resentment towards the upbringing. And, you know, I think everybody goes through that in their 20s and 30s. Like, look how you raised

Jacob:

me.

Diane:

Why'd you do this? Why? And that's where it comes back to bite you. But eventually they settle in and say, well, that's my mom and dad.

Jacob:

Yeah.

Diane:

And hopefully they forget because I can't take anything back. All we have is this moment. Exactly.

Jacob:

For parents out there who are listening, kind of a similar question to the last scenario, but if someone is listening and they're a parent and they have a child who's struggling with addiction, do you have any words of wisdom for them on getting through it?

Diane:

Well... I always tried to help him and talk to him and everything. And then I went through a mourning period, like a death. It is like a death in a way, because he rarely contacts me now. And he loves me. He doesn't hold any resentment towards me. That's what's so weird. But he doesn't get a hold of me, but he knows that I'll always be there. Will I be there financially? No. Will I let him live in my house? No.

Jacob:

Just for safety.

Diane:

But for parents, there is a mourning that you have to go through and you have to mourn your child and stay on your knees and you have to beg God to help him. Now, have I done that? Yes. I don't know if God will answer my prayer anytime soon, but he's still on drugs and I used to keep this picture inside my Bible and And then he got clean for a while. I said, oh, you answered my prayer, God. Thank you. And then he'd go back, and I'm thinking, what kind of a mind mess is this? I

Jacob:

think I speak for both of us, too, when I say he is genuinely an amazing person, but these addictive substances, they take you, and they do not let you go. They're

Diane:

merciless.

Jacob:

They're merciless. They'll take you. They take your soul almost. It's heart-wrenching.

Diane:

And he still believes in God. And it was very important to me that all five of my children still believe it, that were raised believing in God, because God is with you. When you believe in God, he is with you.

Jacob:

Always with

Diane:

you. And so many things can happen if you ask God. And all five of my kids believe in God. And that's when they were in the crib, I used to put put my hand over them or just stand at the crib and pray, dear God, please watch them throughout their lives. Please, each child while they were sleeping. And even as they were getting older, I'd sit by their bed and they're sleeping and I'd say, put my hand on their head and their hair and say, God, please be with my child. Please be with this one. Please be with that one.

Jacob:

Absolutely. It's a powerful thing and it had a major impact on my life, your faith, dad, Even at his worst moments, he always had faith. And I think, like you mentioned earlier with dad, him having that enlightenment coming out of it, I think his faith was the major part of that. Exactly. And you taught it to me. I always had it when I was younger. And, you know, not to digress on me, you know, the last three years have been extremely rough for me. And like you said, I was kind of like a, I can relate to you. I was like a lukewarm Christian, essentially, at my lowest three years ago. when I was thinking it might be better not to exist than to exist, you know, and I found it again because I hit that low point, you know, but it's always been there with me and I have you to thank and dad for that. So thank you. Sure.

Diane:

I love you,

Jacob:

Jake. I love you too. I'm so glad that we're able to do this and you're, you're my first, my first guest. And I was going to ask you like what helped you carry you through, uh, but I think you answered it with, with just getting on your knees and praying and being...

Diane:

Because you're powerless.

Jacob:

You can't do anything about it.

Diane:

You can't change people. You can't change your husband either. You can't change your wife. What you see is what you get. You can't say, well, we're going to work on this. It's a farce. I

Jacob:

try to talk about that on this podcast. For some people that listen, they may not be specifically Christian, as you know, but trusting what this is, this process of unfolding like We came out of it. You have no choice but to trust it. Like you said, you're powerless. We can only take action, but we don't have the right to the fruits of those actions. Right. I wanted to ask you about... because you remember, she went through a lot of waves in life, and I hope to have her on the podcast, because she has an amazing story, very similar to yours, but the fact that you went through a lot of the physical, the physicality of your marriage.

Diane:

With her marriage?

Jacob:

Yeah, can you talk a little bit about what it was like the day you heard that she was also in an abusive relationship?

Diane:

Well, she had the same brain brainwashing he was extremely controlling and there's no every woman has to come you can't shake your head to domestic violence victims women you can't say I don't know why they don't leave it's a brainwashing that controls you and both of them were in it somehow snapped out and she got out of it she stayed out of it She didn't go back and forth. It

Jacob:

wasn't easy. I remember that.

Diane:

No, it wasn't easy. She

Jacob:

was head over heels for this

Diane:

guy. And I was hesitant before she even married him. How did

Jacob:

that make you feel? I

Diane:

just was helpless. But you have to remember that people will, you can warn them. And she saw my own life. But because they were witness to my own life, not my fifth, she wasn't a witness to my first 11 years.

Jacob:

You're

Diane:

fine. Okay. But she saw it. She repeated it. And then she had her little struggles. And now she's remarried to a wonderful man who has not one mean bone in his body. He's not physical.

Jacob:

He's amazing.

Diane:

He doesn't put her down. And you know why? Because she waited and she prayed and she loved God throughout She had a sinful time. She had sin coming after she broke up with him. She had sin happening in her own life. But God, he is the protector of us. And even though it's the worst thing in the world, he will come in and swoop down. You don't see it happening because it happens event by event by event. And pretty soon you look behind you and look at what's going on. But some things look hopeless, but it's not hopeless. You must beg God to hear your prayer. And he does hear it.

Jacob:

That humility.

Diane:

Yes, yes. It's just, we're all fallen from, we're all fallen creatures. And it's sad to see so much. I worked so hard to raise my five kids. And when I lay my head down on the pillow I think how sin has continued throughout the generations and my own children. I worked so hard to raise, oh, but no, I got busy. I had to support you. Oh, but look what happened because of that, because I neglected you emotionally or physically, not there. I don't know what it was, but there's nothing I can do. Do

Jacob:

you feel that those thoughts pull you back a lot, and then you remind yourself, I just need to look at my feet? Yes. Solomon says in Proverbs.

Diane:

I listen to your podcast. Does it help?

Jacob:

Yeah. That's awesome. I learn from the best.

Diane:

I went to trauma therapy for about nine months a few years ago, and that really helped. About grounding and being mindful, like you talk about in your podcast.

Jacob:

Yeah. I think psychiatry, they have their own labels for it, of course. It's kind of stripped away of the spiritual stuff, right? But they call it grounding and things like that, which I think is great.

Diane:

And you can get so busy in your life. Yeah.

Jacob:

You're

Diane:

not mindful. You're gone.

Jacob:

That's awesome. All right. I know we're moving towards the finish line and you're giving me the signal here. And I want to be respectful of your time. And I'm so grateful. We're going to do this again because we have so many more stories we can tell. But I was wondering, as we close out, if you could maybe just touch on just some reflections in life, aging, slowing down a little bit. You just lost your brother recently which is part of time. Time goes by and everything passes away. What has loss and mortality taught you about your life?

Diane:

I think if, first of all, it's taught me that I can't go back and change anything. And that's why it's so important to be present at the moment in your 20s, your 30s, your 40s. It's very important to be present with your kids, with what's going on, because someday you'll be where I'm at and you'll think, oh, why did I do it like that? And so now I know that God is real and that I've ignored him a big portion of my life with my decisions. I've put him to the side and just saying, this is what I want. And I've paid a price for many, many things. And I think in my next generation with my kids, they're paying a price now. And I think that's just doing the right thing. Do the right thing. That's what I've learned. I just learned it like two days ago.

Jacob:

Better late than never,

Diane:

right? I know. And I'm thinking, why didn't I think of it like that? Do the right thing. That's all. But then we get busy again and I've yet to write my book Confessions of a Lukewarm Christian and you can watch out for that

Jacob:

I am excited we can promote it on the podcast sounds good maybe read a few chapters thank you absolutely well this has been a lot of fun mom and I'm really grateful for you that you're my mother you taught me so many things in life I think above all you taught me to love you taught me to have faith and trust and you taught me to have a sense of humor too

Diane:

you're always so funny well you're pretty funny I try I

Jacob:

got big shoes to fill all my friends have always loved you oh that's so sweet and I guess as we close out here, if you could speak to your younger self or to someone listening who feels they're in the middle of it all, what would you want them to know as we close out here?

Diane:

Snap out of it. If I was my younger self, I was so rebellious, so adventurous, and all that adventure was good, but be careful who you meet, who you trust right off. when you have sex all of a sudden you're in love all those endorphins and now you're in too deep oh my gosh you know and now you've got emotions involved and everything else so it's best to just get to know people and trust them but those quick decisions just don't cut it

Jacob:

and like you said being mindful helps with that because you'll be more mindful of

Diane:

the choices you're making take time for yourself and quiet time you know and take care of yourself and then you can be more perceptive in life with other people and what's happening around you

Jacob:

that's great advice keep it simple yeah well this has been a lot of fun I'm really glad we were able to do this and I'd love to do it again sometime in the near future so

Diane:

you're welcome Jake do you want my autograph now

Jacob:

yes I would

Diane:

okay I

Jacob:

love you

Diane:

I love you too. Bye.

Jacob:

Bye bye. Well, all right, everyone, that concludes our episode for the day. I want to say a big thank you to my mom. I'm going to have a reading for her in just a moment, but I also want to say thank you to all the listeners for being here. Thanks to my mom, Diane, for being my first podcast guest ever. And I want to thank her as well for demonstrating that in spite of all the flames that she walked through in life, life that she still was able to maintain a spirit of forgiveness and compassion and that's pretty incredible if this episode moved anyone one of the best ways you can support the show is to follow in your favorite app or even better share the episode with somebody who you think might need to hear this we have links in the description if you'd like to share your story with us or support us financially as well and this final reading here I picked out a special for you mom from Isaiah do not fear for I have redeemed you I have called you by name you are mine when you pass through the waters I will be with you and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you. When you walk through fire, you shall not be burned and the flame shall not consume you.

Music:

This voice might fade like dust on the dial But I'm standing nowhere and I've been for a while No heroes, no headlines, no promises made Just a whisper that won't be afraid Standing nowhere and it feels like home No flats to wait, no need to roam The silence speaks louder than war ever could And I've never felt so Static is kind, it leaves me alone No orders to follow, no king on the throne The sky's turning amber, the clock's all reset And I haven't stopped walking No chains, no name, no destiny The road dissolves, the sky turns white I'm still here, nothing