Dying to Yourself: A Late-Night Conversation on Trauma, Fear, and Letting Go

This one is more raw, intense, and emotionally unfiltered than usual — because real healing rarely looks clean.

 A late-night conversation between two brothers doing their best to stay present in the middle of real life.

It wasn’t planned. It started as a late-night hangout with my younger brother Jeremy and turned into one of the most honest conversations we’ve ever recorded.

Jeremy has lived through more than most people twice his age—eight car accidents, addiction, financial collapse, and the kind of fear that gets into your bones and never seems to leave. His nervous system runs hot. His thoughts move fast. He feels everything intensely. And for most of his life, he’s carried all of it alone.

But beneath all that intensity is a man who keeps coming back to one question:
 What does it really mean to die to yourself?

In this conversation, we talk about trauma and the way it reshapes your body. We talk about fear, paranoia, and intrusive thoughts that feel like they’re trying to take over. We talk about gig work, exhaustion, fasting, sobriety, and the thousand small ways people try to numb their pain when life won’t let up.

Jeremy speaks in the language of faith—Jesus, the enemy, the fruits of the Spirit. I speak in the language of presence, ego, and mindfulness. But both of us are pointing toward the same thing:
 letting go of the stories that keep you afraid, and learning to trust the moment you’re actually in.

Nothing here is rehearsed or polished. It’s raw, unfiltered, and deeply human. I edited out a few loops and darker tangents, but I left the heart of Jeremy’s voice exactly as it was: vulnerable, intense, and honest.

If you’ve ever lived in survival mode…
 If you’ve ever been stuck in fear…
 If you’ve ever felt ashamed of not being “farther along” in your healing…
 If you’re running hot, tired, or spiritually burned out…

I hope this conversation meets you right where you are.

Topics include:

• What “dying to yourself” means beyond the concept
• Trauma, hypervigilance, and why your fear actually makes sense
• The cost of gig work and financial instability on the body
• Addiction, cannabis, sobriety, and numbing pain
• Letting go when you feel like you’re failing
• Heaven and hell as present-moment realities
• Intrusive thoughts and the battle between ego and surrender
• Stuck points—and how to move through them with compassion
• Why “you are enough” is not a platitude but a practice
• How two spiritual vocabularies can lead to the same place: presence, love, and letting go

If you’re in your own stuck point right now—emotionally, financially, or spiritually—I hope this episode helps you feel less alone, and reminds you that even in the chaos, there’s a deeper place inside you that hasn’t been touched.

Transcript

Jeremy 0:01

Life is magical. It is magical. And and we we've known that since we were children. And um This moment

Life is Magical

Jeremy 0:09

is magical. We're having a conversation. Yeah, we we we life is so hard that we forget that life is good. But but if you can't if you get stuck on if you get stuck on what you're getting stuck on, you're not gonna get it's a stuck point. And um I like that word stuck because that's the word the Buddha uses stickiness. Stuck point is what you need to remember, the stuck points in your life. Hello

Introduction

Jeremy 0:46

everyone, welcome back to the Standing Nowhere podcast. This is your host, Jacob, and it's a pleasure to be back with you. Today's episode is different from anything I've done here. And honestly, it's one of the most personal. This is a completely spontaneous late-night conversation with my younger brother Jeremy. We'd shared a small bong hit before recording, and I quit daily cannabis use several months ago, and sobriety is still my baseline. This was just a one-off moment between brothers. Jeremy is one of the most heartfelt people I know, and his nervous system runs hot. He's been hit by eight cars in his life. He's survived many things, and he lives with financial uncertainty every day. When he cares about something, he really cares. And you're going to hear that intensity in his voice. My hope is that you can listen to him the way that I do, with a soft heart and a lot of compassion for how much he's lived through. You'll hear Jeremy use very direct Christian language, like Jesus, the enemy, the gospel. And part of what I do throughout this conversation is translate some of that into the language of presence, mindfulness, and the eternal now. I've edited this to focus on the heart, trauma, fear, faith, staying present, and what it means to let go. I did my best to keep the flow natural while removing the tangents. Jeremy has kept my car running throughout countless desperate situations. Without him, I literally couldn't keep doing this work. I love my brother, and I'm grateful he let me share this with you. So let's drop in.

Jacob 2:41

Yeah.

Jeremy 2:42

I I can't say ours either. Oh, really? Yeah, like world sometimes I mess up. Yeah. Especially when I'm heavily medicated. Definitely you'll uh you can hear it uh a little more. Heavily medicated? Yeah, because as the cannabinoids increase, it you can hear it in the tone of the voice. Um just like medication. If you can't believe in miracles, you're not gonna see them, you're not gonna get them, dude. It's true. Because there are miracles in life, and there's two types of people, like to speak to what Jeremy's saying, if you don't believe in miracles, he's saying, like, there are miracles that happen in your life, and they're not just coincidences, they are divine intervention. And if you don't recognize that, you're missing out. You that is m magical. Is that what you're saying? Am I clarifying right? Life is magical. It is magical. And and we we've known that since we were children. And um This moment is magical. We're having a conversation. Yeah, we we we life is so hard that we forget. And so if you can remember that life is good, you you can you can see it. But but if you can't if you get stuck on if you get stuck on what you're getting stuck on, you're not gonna get you it's a stuck point. And um I like that word stuck because that's the word the Buddha uses stuck point is what you need to remember, the stuck points in your life. How do you get past them? So, so that's a good question. So there's three the it's a three-step process. What is your stuck point? All right, you you determine what you're stuck on, and then the second part, and I have it right here. Yeah, because I'm talking to a trauma therapist. Oh, this is from the yeah, it's a therapist.

Adriana 4:54

Um that's good to hear it. It's that's really cool, man.

Jeremy 4:59

How long have you been doing that? Um well This is my brother Jeremy, by the way, for those listening. When I was

8 Accidents and Daily Trauma

Jeremy 5:09

uh ran over on my motorcycle uh in reverse at a red light, I got a trauma therapist for for that accident, but I didn't have the same sense of healing. Really? Uh so it put you off from it? Well, because coming to God is every day it's the I mean you come to God today. If if you're willing to accept him today, you come to him today, and then every day after that you need to continue deciding, like you said, to remain to die to ourselves and to to live for him. So um I thought I was healed from that uh accident, um, but I was still dealing with a lot of trauma, and I so I effectively did not uh appropriately, you know, get over that trauma um of being ran over in reverse at a red light while in poverty, while being away from my kids, and just not you know, not having enough. Um and then uh did you hold on to the the drama thinking that it was like something you had to just like deal with, quote unquote, you couldn't just let it like overcome it as and not be with it fully. I'm overcoming it every day that I continue to go out and drive, dude. It's that intense for you to get back to the city. Every day I I it's a close call. Yeah. Every day, uh just about every day. I almost get hit. Just about every day. Well, why don't you tell the people listening how many times you've been in accidents doing gig work? Because uh a lot of people out there when they order DoorDash and they tip a dollar or two, they're not thinking about how you put your life on your line. And all these accidents coincided with mostly with your gig work. So why don't you tell the people listening how many accidents you've been in? I've been hit by a total of eight cars doing gig work. No, in my life. I've been hit by eight vehicles in my life. How many times were during gig work? During gig work specifically, I was hit three times in the last four years. And how many times total? Three times in the last four years doing gig work. So you've only done gig work four years? No, I've done gig work for a total of about seven seven years. Seven years. And there were close calls. Yeah. Lots of them. All uh and the passengers too that you deal with. You've been through a lot, brother. So just thinking about the close calls is why I'm I'm so heavily focused on what I'm focused on. Okay, is staying centered in Christ because just like that, our life can be taken from us. Whether or not it kills you, it's gonna kill your finances, especially if you don't have money in the bank and a safety net. And so I've been trying to tell you the same message that I I've been uh needing to hear myself. The only thing is the past four weeks I haven't been calling you for a reason because I've been needing to talk to myself and tell myself all the things I keep telling everybody else, and so I finally close the whole world off and realize that I have to forget about everybody so I can gain happiness and I can truly feel again. And yeah, there's it's um life is so serious um because it's so good, and those who seek to those who seek to come into your head and destroy it from the inside out are are are of the antichrist. And for those listening to who hear um it's through when Jeremy says it's through the name of Jesus, there's another um uh a way to uh to think of that because it's easy to hear that and say, Oh yeah, yeah, I've heard that a million times before. But actually look at the name of Jesus, which is Yeshua, which is to say Yahweh saves, and Yahweh, uh his name is I am. So Jesus, the name of Jesus, I am, saves. So just being, just knowing that you're here, right, that you're part of this whole thing, you can trust it. So in the name of Jesus, continue.

Adriana 9:28

Right. Amen. Amen. We we will continue. In the name of Jesus, we will continue, man.

Jeremy 9:38

So that joy we had as a kid, there's a reason why the world's taken it, and there's a reason why we don't tell our kids uh uh the truth about uh what you your your state of mind, how it changes in adulthood for a lot of society because of the the conditions. Yeah, um we keep them from that truth. Being conscious when fear comes in.

Fear as a Pointer

Jeremy 10:04

Use that as a pointer. Why am I afraid right now? You feel paranoia, you know it's of the enemy. The moment you feel doubt, shame, and regret, it's of the enemy. Yes. Case closed. Authority is given to us. Now, someone listening, when they hear you say that, they're like, Well, wait a minute. What's wrong with doubt, fear, and shame? Oh, yeah, those really don't serve me. They don't. Do they offer any solution? Healthy fear, yes. Exactly. You don't walk off a cliff, there's a bear, you your jack stand, you put your jack your car up, you put your jack on your own. All right, Jake, it's there, you're good. But you're saying beyond that. Beyond that is the enemy. And when the mind starts chattering. Yes. And that's the yes, that's what fear is. Yeah. And we use that as the pointer, is what you're saying. Like it's like, oh, there's fear. Pointer to what? Back to not worrying. Like, oh why am I worrying? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because when you You just become aware of it. It's like shining a light on it. Yeah. Basically. So so addiction, addiction has robbed and contorted my joy for the Lord. It brings you darkness. So when I my my kids are only a state away, and and I'm going through the ma most amazing transformation I never would have gone through had I kept pretending to be there as some false father that I I'm not. I I mean being there. But not being there, this is what being lukewarm is. I I was defeated financially. How how can I be it's really tough because we we think that yeah, what we what we uh have uh it is anything, but it's not our continu our willpower to continue like the children in Gaza, yeah, sliding down the rubble like it's a slide. That's all we have, Jake. Yeah, and that's why when we don't feel joy, we know it's of the enemy. So you're saying the worst case scenario cannabis. Well, I uh yeah, in the past, definitely not not. Yeah, taking a break. Fasting. Yeah, we need to fast. The only thing we should be addicted to is the Lord. But we're the salt of the earth, so we can't walk around like nice people. Yeah. Like like you don't need to be nice to every single person. Well, then it's we're nice surface level, it's but we don't need to, yeah. I used to over-exert like trying to be nice. And I would try to so if somebody's abusing you, you need to you need to love them and leave and take space. And that's the end. That's a tough what you just brought up is very tough. Because what if I love someone and I'm mindful with them? I let them have I I do a lot for that person, but they're abusing me. It takes two to tango. Yeah, and there's times where you get abused and you do stay, and the person changes. So it's like it's just impossible to know, but you just have to what? Well, well, life is abusive. Here's the thing is that we're sinners surrounded by other sinners. Right. So if we think our sin is bad, we're also surrounded by other people sinning, dwelling the antichrist spirit uh in among them. So uh myself included, any any time you felt that vengeance to strike back, that's of the anti, you're inflicting suffering and you're you're you're getting payback. That is not of Christ. Vengeance is his, and so you're right, that we defeat things with love. And

Love is Mindfulness

Jeremy 13:56

and we and what is love but being with what you're doing, right? Like I I've made this point before that love and meditation or mindfulness are the same thing. Because when like when I'm fully present with you, Jeremy, listening to you, I'm loving you. Yes, or with a with a child, that means I'm fully present with my child. I'm loving that child, yeah, and I'm just being mindful, and that's all it is. When you're out of that, you're in fight or flight. When your nervous system is regulated. How does that happen? Knowing your limits to all drugs and how things affect you. So being mindful. When you say know your limits, keeping your chin up when you um it's not it's not the CBD. Yeah, it's not the THC, it's it's Jesus Christ ultimately. Knowing that my continuing, because I'm not just continuing for me anymore. I'm dying to myself. How do you die to yourself? They got the Land Rover, the G Wack. A lot of my listeners buy that stuff. Are you like against them? No, I'm just joking. Yeah. No, the world's ending. Sin is not, yeah. The the we're in the end of the day. The world's gonna end. What if we're not though? No, it's not. What's better than this though? Like, what what would heaven look like to you? What's better than this is is being with God, the creator. Is he not here? No, he is here. He's in me. He's in me. I'm a father. So you're with you. I've created children. So you have literally. So you just say God's with you, so there's there's no reason you need to be anywhere else then. Why do you need to go to heaven? Yeah, so I probably am saved because I've gotten to such a deep understanding of this. But what I'm saying is why it's it it trumps or it shocks people when they hear it. And it's good. The gospel is good. The good news is great. Isn't the good news that the kingdom of heaven's already here around us? If you accept him, yeah. Yeah, if you accept them. Yeah, so you don't have to accept him. No, you don't. What does accept them mean? In your heart, die to yourself. Yep, die to yourself. Well, like if somebody was asking. If your favorite color, fuck your favorite color. Like if someone's your favorite car, fuck it. Everything, fuck it. So everything of this world, the only thing that matters is like being able to help people. So I'm asking you the like and and only help people if like I mean, help people. Well, and and spread the word. Yeah, because you know what rage baiting is? Rage baiting, okay. So so people, like I said, are trying to kill you from the inside out. They're trying to make you rage all the time. Some people try some people tell you to kill yourself, right? Yeah. So so they're effectively trying to kill you from the inside out. Yeah. So the the the the good news, the gospel is the exact opposite. It's planting a seed of life. If you believe in it, this mustard seed, it's gonna grow roots so deep in you, you can't be shaken. And that's what a mustard seed is. It it's not this big, the roots grow so deep that the plant cannot shake because the roots are so deep. Someone listening. So when someone cuts you off, you're smiling because you don't know whether they're they're rushing or or whether you don't even care. But how do you do that though? Because the person's gonna present. Yeah. What is it? Like, what's the process? Yeah, accepting them right now, right here. Well, what does that mean? So so there's a prayer you can say. So it's just saying, but it's no, it's not, it's it's not just that. Once you say the prayer, then you then you're on this journey where your flesh is pulling you back. And and and and if you allow your flesh to win, it will win. Yeah, yep. And it's gonna say, no, I like this bed. Let's let's uh let's let's entertain ourselves. Let's uh So your senses do all these delighting in your desires. Uh uh, it's called uh it's not nepotism, um, it's called um hedonism, yes, living to pleasure the senses. Yeah, and and your f senses will get fried sooner than later. Meaning they'll get fried like you can't fried. Oh, like burnt out. Yeah, that's what burnout is. Yeah, because you're living for the flesh. The alternator that God put inside of you is so you can stay connected to Him and you could get that recharge. Is that the midlife crisis where the like the bubble gum is run out of flavor basically, and you realize the gum can't bring you happiness? It's realizing that you're the one chewing it and enjoying it. You are not the gum itself. You're chewing on the same old piece. Yeah. There's more gum to be poured, you're not letting more gum in the bubble machine.

Jacob 18:12

Yeah.

Jeremy 18:12

We can make way more money flipping cars right now and deal with a little bit of fear starting out.

Jacob 18:19

Yeah.

Jeremy 18:20

Than than than we ever would during door. And it's fear. Yeah. Keep going. Yeah. I'm just pointing it up a little more. So well, that way you don't talk to you just talking about it. Okay. Yeah, talk to you. Gotcha. Nice. I pointed it up so it's not little mic uh like so. Yeah, sorry, go on. Fear stops us from believing in hope and faith. Um uh the the verse from the Bible, uh But but to someone listening though, you said it's not just a prayer, and I would assume how important is that prayer? Very important because it's a it's a very basic ABC. What if you're just in the mood and you feel like, you know what, these people seem like they have it together. I'm just gonna say the prayer just in case. Yeah. Like it what if your heart's not behind it and you just say it out of it. My heart ha then I'm luke. I've been lukewarm all my life. This is why Well, that's why I'm saying like you say the prayer is very important, but it doesn't sound like it is. Well, let me ask you this though. Or physically What if we were to simplify it? Because well, like hypothetically, what if someone doesn't speak or they're just not good at thinking a lot? Like they're just people who yeah, just go to work. Some people don't have internal dialogue. Well that that's good, though. That's correct. So if if we move some people aside, move the prayer aside, wouldn't it just be trusting primarily that uh hey, this is a candid show. We got my son here. Leon, you want to say hi? Hi. This is my this is my five-year-old. Say hi. Hi. Hey. That's all you want to say? He's a cutie. Yep. We gotta have mark. He reminds me of me. I was so shy, so scared. Yeah, and I so I thank the Lord from my best friends getting me to out of my shell to the skate park. Yeah. I watched you fall down the stairs as a kid. Yeah, you picked me up a couple times, uh, once with a broken arm, once with a broken uh ankle. You know, I that's I'm glad you brought that up. You and my big brother just I had a thought. Kind of both arm bones. Both arm bones completely snapped. Yep. And I brought him inside, and I remember looking at his arm, and it's like in a movie when you see like um a cheap 80s prosthetic and it's like a rubber arm or something, like his whole arm in the center was sunken in and it was like misaligned. Yeah, so so there's there's not a lot of I think there was uh it yeah, it was I I remember uh being very scared and feeling a fear terrified like when your bones snap in half. Yeah, um, it's very real. It hurts. Yeah. Um so so the the enemy is working um in those that that deny Jesus Christ. 1 John 2 22. Those who deny Jesus Christ, the the the Son also deny the voice. You say he was just a man, uh just a regular guy. So you're saying Yeah, I believe in him, but he was just a guy. I don't think he was resurrected. I don't think his his blood cleanses my sins. What about somebody like me who believes that he was like any other man, but every other man is part of God and is God, and I that's what he came to tell us. I I I kind of don't believe he was a son of God? I believe he was a distinct and uniquely tasked uh person who basically appear like if life is a dream, there's like guides that appear. These people that see that it's a dream, they see through it, and they appear in various cultures, and we call them fully realized beings or enlightened beings, people who don't see uh duality. They say I and the Father are one, they speak as if they are one with everyone. Jesus Christ is different because of his fingerprint. Yeah, we're all different. So, Jeremy, look at the verse where it's you think you're not different. You are so and your individual, everything you've gone for through specifically. But I'm saying, what about people that believe Jesus came and said, You're no different from me? Like great works have I done, but greater works will you do. We're on the same level. My my task, the only difference with me is I'm sent here to convey that to you. Like it was God's, it was the universe or God or something. It sounds like you believe in the Son of God then, yeah. Because you're you're not denying him. But I'm saying he's no different than you, and he's the son of God. I don't think that's denial because we are fathers. So so I get to say I am a father, just as God says I am your father.

Jacob 22:41

Exactly.

Jeremy 22:41

Well, guess what? I am a father. Yeah, I have a lineage. Science can't even create babies yet. You know what I mean? So if science is so good, yeah, they would just if science is so good. Now you say if science is so good, I don't know. You make it sound as if they're like an opponent or somebody who threatens you. It is great. So good science is good observation, yeah. And observing how things play out is the ego or control over time. Is the ego real? Like, is there an actual Jacob in this chair talking to an actual Jeremy, or is that just an illusory ego that's making up stories? And the only reality is there's two bodies. It's I think an after-effect from the tree of knowledge. So, like Which is like putting a concept on something, the concept being I am a separate self, and the concept of Jeremy. So if you were to really die to yourself, you would accept the world as it is right now. No judgment. You would go out, get rent paid, you would go out tonight, get some extra money. Tomorrow, you'd be up early, yeah, working earlier than you would. You you're gonna shock yourself. And that's that's it, dude. You you can do more, I can do more. Suffering is not in vain. God did not create suffering, he allows it because it builds character. Character builds hope, hope builds faith, faith builds spirit, and and then it builds it builds the Christian by enduring suffering. Do you think the the Christian So if we willingly deliver ourselves to suffering? Well, what do you think? I believe in communism, I believe in people supporting each other, I believe in in capitalizing, not not at the suffering of others. I believe in everybody receiving profits. So if we're gonna start a like Well, the well, the thing with with uh socialism or running a company democratically is though you choose who you bring in. Yeah. Okay, so let's say we bring in a few people and they're not doing their their job, the majority would vote and say we're kicking out. God be willing to come into my heart and make it soft because my heart is so hardened by the world, kicking people out, uh, people attacking me and challenging my Christianity and and striking me and trying to inflict suffering. Do you know how hard it is to continue to be nice to these people? But do you know what? I'm saved because I'm called to be the salt. I don't need to tolerate this abuse. So now I I realize there is power in denying those that you know aren't serving you. So we can deny ourselves our so, first of all, our money. So it like a company. If our comp if a company is being rude to us, we could say, All right, I'm not coming to you anymore. Yeah, follow the money. God is good, dude. And so he's working on my heart, he's making it soft, like I was when I was a kid, and so God is good, dude. Um and yeah, uh so I'm I'm tired of being lukewarm. I I'm fired up.

How to Stop Being Lukewarm

Jeremy 25:41

How do you not be lukewarm? Die to myself. How do you die to yourself? I I don't have a favorite color, I don't have a favorite car. As long as I can pay my bills and I have the ability to pay my bills, I'm now gonna go and take this to the new ends. So you're done being afraid. Don't get me wrong, I'm gonna write a book eventually. I so I want to write, right? I want to do a lot of things. Yeah, and so I'm allowing God to to to help me be excited again. Yeah, and and when I talk to dad on the phone, I've I'm I've been so excited, I'm making him excited.

Jacob 26:10

Yeah.

Jeremy 26:11

Because he's seeing that his son is forgiven, and and his son is no longer letting the the fruits of the the enemy uh he's no longer eating those fruits. He's eating, he's letting the fruits of the spirit, he's har I'm trying to harvest those. And so we're we're we're harvesters, we're we're we're planters, we're supposed to take care of this earth. Can I pause you there? Dude, I'm gonna homestead. Take care of the earth. You know, that's funny. I just heard the other day in Genesis the Hebrew word where it says dominate the earth was actually or dominion over the earth was actually to be the caretaker of the earth, not like I'm gonna do whatever the hell I want with it, but to keep it alive and flourishing. You were talking about farming and and all the food and stuff. Right, right. Guess how the world's ending? Through the the farming and the industrialization. It's the capitalization of it. Yeah, but that's not why they're doing these bad things. They're doing it because they love money. It's all money related. No, no, it's power. No, no, they're they're they're they're hastening the antichrist, the second coming money, right? I mean, it's the love of money that they're doing all this. You don't need evidence. So hell is present, it's not in the future. Yeah, I I I it hell is pretty present. Um Heaven's not a future thing as well. Heaven is present. Um both dwell inside of us, and we we alter between them. Essentially, but but but as far as the afterlife, um there there is a continuance. There is yeah, we we don't go back to the the ground and um our our flesh does because our flesh is matter, you can, but our spirit is not matter, you came out of that same state, it's a Wi-Fi energy, it's like an it's just like uh electricity, it's invisible to the eye, but we I can put a tool to it and measure it. Just like somebody's love. I can I can observe somebody's love through the action. We don't need to worry about dying. We need to worry about dying to ourselves every day, and and and if we don't, we live in hell, dude. I'm telling you, you go on a three-day fast, you're gonna be and you can fast from anything. Just this, we're we're consuming so much that we have to pick and choose what we're gonna fast first because we're consuming so much, and that's sad. And so I've really taken a uh a look at what I'm consuming mentally and physically. Um, getting my protein up, my fiber up. Um, so that's all you need to do. God is within us. God will there's nothing we need to do, we just need to trust everything then and not worry. No, but there's a lot we need to do. Every morning, put on the armor of God. But that happens by itself. No, it doesn't. Nope. Nope. The moment I wake up, I check my phone and I forgot, I forget to check. How do you make yourself do anything though? I'm trying to connect the dots because you talked about it earlier. You said that when you are in fear, you are outside of your uh the fruits of the spirit, the fruits of the spirit, and the fruits of the spirit you said was basically like love and mindfulness being present. Well, but we connected mindfulness with love, though, by saying love is mindfulness. Like when you're mindful with your kids, you're loving them because you're present for them, you're listening. Like this conversation, I'm fully um present and mindful of you and what you're saying, and that's love. Yes, you know, yeah, so it's it's two sides of the same coin. So the fruit of the spirit, what I'm saying is another way of understanding it in modern terminology is to love is to be mindful with who you're with, what you're doing, and like you said, not judging it. Do you ever have um daydreams out of fear? Like when you go into a place, a public place, do you ever have weird anxiety about the people that are in there? And then you have these weird daydream fantasies where You envision fighting them or them saying something to you. And they always know exactly what to say because it's in your mind. So you have these fear fantasies of other people saying I used to like, yeah. Like yeah. When I was younger, that happened to me all the time. But now that I'm older, it almost never happens anymore. Yeah. And I think it's I think it's because I well, the first thing I noticed when I started practicing mindfulness is I would go into these restaurants and I would notice that anxiety that was always there that I never noticed before. And it was like, oh, why am I a little it wasn't a lot of anxiety, but it was like when you go into a social situation, there's always that little social anxiety, but you never notice it. Or you you know it's there, but you're not with it intimately in granular detail, yeah, feeling it. And the more I did that, the more it just disappeared. I'm just like, oh, hey, there it is. And it's like this little blip. Yeah. And then I don't have to come home and numb myself out. Well, it's it's taxing. Yeah, you can make 400 in a day, but you're driving 15 hours. And so Yeah, what my brother's saying here too is like you need to realize it's not the same 15 hours you put in an office where you're sitting, you can daydream, you can fart around in the bathroom. Like, this is time on the road, no breaks, no lunch. Some people are trying to kill you. Yeah, literally trying to cause accidents. Some are trying to screw with you minutely. Yeah. The little the little 16-year-old, 18-year-olds, they they know how to rage bait driving and they do it a lot. Yeah, there's a lot of small, there's a lot that we deal with, definitely doing gig work. Um, but like you said, um, if we stay present, we can decide a whole new life.

Jacob 31:35

Yeah.

Jeremy 31:36

Um, if if we really want it. And so that that's how you leave an abuser. If somebody is like real like, and we're talking like crazy abuse, like in you or any any abuse is wrong, period. But some people really do need to flee their situation, right? Like get out and stay with a family member. Yeah. Um, but some don't even have a family member. Imagine getting abused by someone and not having anywhere to go. Yeah, she was lucky she had uh family she could go to. Um well, and here's the thing is that abuse starts subtly and it gets worse and worse and worse. And this is how I was and she talks about all that, man. But but being a theologian, you know that greed is a sin. Yeah, the the world makes our heart heart very hard. Yeah. Trauma, abuse, and it uh it's almost as if our relationship to the world is what causes it. And that's because you can go out and embrace the whole world. I just did that. I'm gonna do a I did an episode on that called uh about rest. I forget what I called it, but uh it was all about rest and the Sabbath and how sometimes you can't afford to take time off, like you were saying. Yeah, but you also can't afford not to take time off, yeah. Because you need to sometimes just to reset. Yeah, you you need to die to yourself, yeah. And and remember, life is hard.

Jacob 32:59

Yeah.

Jeremy 32:59

So what when you do get up on those mornings you don't want to get up, and I'm talking to myself right now. I I need to get up.

Jacob 33:08

Yeah, yeah.

Jeremy 33:09

Or or or just not uh well, I mean, he's lived his life, and so we're we're here now. Dad's good meaning too. I don't I think for all of his blunders, he's he's a great example of what it means to be a human being. Like you love things, but then we make mistakes, you know. And he's really come a long way. We uh I had mom on the podcast, and she spoke she actually spoke very nice of him. She talked about his early struggles with um anger and then how he's really come full circle, you know. There there shouldn't be uh submitting from one to the other, they should both submit to each other, you know. Because then you'll have balance. I broke him but also some temptation. Yeah. Okay. The enemy definitely attacks uh I mean both. I think you can stand up for yourself without being a dictator. Like if someone's abusive, you leave. It goes back to Jesus on the Sermon of the Mount where he says, do not worry about tomorrow. Like I which translates as do not think about tomorrow or take no thought for tomorrow. Yeah, so so I'm done being nice. Yeah, I'm done being nice. This is what allowed me to keep my door closed, you know, with mom and and and just know that she's under attack as well. Just like I'm under attack. And when I allow the enemy to win, I say something I shouldn't have. I I lash out in a way I shouldn't have. I don't pay my bills on time, I don't do it, I don't show up. So we literally need to die to ourselves and just get the mission done. And that's taking care of our family, showing love, support. That's why I keep reminding you, dude. You get to come home to your kids, keep getting out there. The amount of time I work is already shocking enough. And doing a podcast on the side, dude. I'm seriously, we're sitting down right now because this could potentially be a main episode. Because I work on the podcast a lot now. Yeah, as you could tell. So so so so you're asking a great question. Yeah, because I think you're ready to die to yourself, dude. I think you are. Yeah, let God be your joy. Yeah, that that enthusiasm I'm carrying, I realize is God. I'm okay with using weed once in a while. Like I'm I'm at a point now where I've completely quit it on a daily basis. So sober sobriety is my baseline now. Yeah. And then occasionally, like today, I'll have cannabis. I took a puff. That's not even like, dude, yeah, I use very little. I'll deliver to people, and it their whole house smells like weed so intensely. And I'm like, dude, I don't I've never gone. Dude, some people are dealing with real pain. Yeah, okay. And you are judging you're denying yourself that real pain and trauma. You're saying you're all right, which is good in a way, but yeah, I feel all right. It's

Cannabis, Grief, and Being With Pain

Jeremy 35:43

um I actually basically all these episodes on a weekly basis are like me quitting weed after episode five. Yeah. That's when my clutch went out, and you helped me with that. I quit weed that same week. That's why I threw my glasses on the ground because I was having withdrawals. Yeah. So all if you listen to my episodes, dude, you'll you'll hear me. I'll I'll be sitting in meditation, and I couldn't believe the amount of sadness that was coming up out of me. Yeah. No weed sucks. Trent. I would think about Trent. Oh, well, yeah, but uh the weed, if you use it chronically, in my containment. Incorrectly, it kept stuff suppressed. He moved out in November of last year, almost a year. And it took that's when I started smoking again because I was uh bummed out about it. Yeah. And then I didn't quit until I want to say July or early August of this year, like a little over three and a half months ago. Yeah. So I used it for all that time, and it then right when I quit, then I started feeling the pain of him moving out. Yeah. So it literally blocked me from processing and experiencing things in my life. That part. Man, I'm I'm telling you, like tears, intense sobbing, and I was just with it. And I've done several episodes on this. Like, there's times where you just have to completely be with your pain. Yes. And just hold it. And don't try to force it away. Yeah. Like uh accept it. The end of that movie Inside Out. Have you seen it? Don't tell me. Okay. I I I've been wanting to watch it. The resolution is very on topic of what we're discussing, but it's it's powerful when you are just with how you feel. Well, emotions are are they're subtle. Emotions are are cute, but but we need to live in the fruits of the spirit. So let's not let our emotions control us. Our emotions are signals, just like your car has those signs to tell you something. So I'm trying to be less emotional. Yeah, I I'm uh I'm excited. But I think also uh it's good to be whatever you are. Like if you feel sad, if you feel happy, yeah, you know, experience it and don't deny it, allow it. You know, yeah, let it be. I was always kind of glancing for cops or this or that, and um, or I was expecting things, bad things to happen. You have a drive, and that's what the enemy wants. Yeah, the enemy wants to literally just destroy your day. Yeah, if 24 hours is all you have, if I could take 24, I would. Yeah, you see what I mean? So we really gotta uh put on the armor of God and defend ourselves through the spirit through the word.

Jacob 38:33

Yeah, absolutely.

Jeremy 38:34

The word is uh life and death is in the tongue and and how we it's we're we're physically projecting ourselves.

The Logos: What "The Word" Really Means

Jeremy 38:42

When you say the word, are you talking about the word was God, the word was with God? Yeah, we talked about it a little bit. What did you think about my uh explanation of the word logos and what it means? Maybe you could look it up on your phone real quick. Yeah. No, I I I agree. Because I always hear people say the word as it's like just a spoken thing, but they miss they misunderstanding the true meaning of what that means. In the beginning was the word, the word was God, the word was with God, the word was God. I screwed that up the word of God. What is the word divine reason? Well, logos. Divine reasons. Yeah, the principle and yeah, so God is a court of law. Like if I started attacking Adriana, yeah, what would you do? You'd defend her. Yeah, but it's also like this like you see the blanket. Yeah. When I let it go, that's the word of God, too. Yes, gravity, that's a law. The law of physics. It's all the word, it's all the logos. So when they say Jesus was the logos, the word, yeah, they're saying that he was in harmony with everything. He didn't think he was separate. It was part everything that's happened. Like the next thing that you're gonna say, you don't know what it is, but it's gonna be said. Yeah, and that's the law. So you're gonna say something after I'm done here, yeah, and you don't know what it is right now, but you will say something and you'll watch it appear. Yeah, but then you'll attach yourself to that and say, That's me. I thought of that, I said that, and that's not true. It's the logos. So Jesus understood and he let go. Well, that's why he said those who believe in me don't believe in me, but in him who sent me. Yeah. So he said, And this is why it's him. We need to teach our kids to take every thought captive. Because when they're at school and they're too scared to raise their hand to say, hey, I don't understand what they don't teach mindfulness in schools at all. So you know, no, yeah. Well, yeah, that and it goes into creating robots, right? Creating lukewarm asleep, go to church on Sunday, yeah, pray, and then the rest of the week, just be a good person.

Jacob 40:38

Yeah.

Jeremy 40:39

When being a good person is not talking about Israel, being a good person is not questioning Israel, being a good person is not questioning brought it back to Israel again. It's been on your mind. It's on your mind. Yeah, because what about those kids? Yeah. And we've been talking about this since the beginning. What about the kids in Sudan? What about the Christian persecution? Yeah. What about the moment you tell someone you're Jesus and they say, Oh, I don't even want to talk to you? Yeah, dude, we're being persecuted. So God is so good, dude. Our persecution is the largest till this day. And and and how long have we been going for it? So I can I could go and go. Um, and it's funny because we've been going an hour. Yeah. Should we wrap up? Yeah, we're gonna wrap up. Let's wrap up with closing wisdom. Uh, closing wisdom from Jeremy. For those, for those people out there that perhaps just entered adulthood, like he talked about, how you know uh we've been kept from the truth, which is like the the hard reality of life, and they're going through that. What wisdom do you have to people? It's not a hard reality because the truth is God, and God is the truth, and and so when you accept truth, you accept God, and you accept uh your ability to critically think and question things, and to also then question your ability to then go enact faith because faith without works is dead. I have no idea what I'm saying right now. I really have to pee, but it's just coming out of me. Exactly. And so So it's it's a matter of noticing that not identifying yourself with it. Like, yeah, for example, the next words that you're gonna say, try to keep watching them and watch them just appear and see if you could when you lose yourself in attachment with them, yeah, or when you can just walk. So you can harbor good thoughts and you can harbor bad thoughts, and harboring things. But do you control any of them? Yeah, it's called harboring. Do you have do you know what harboring means? I know what harboring means, but how can it mean? It means like collecting something or bringing things together. Taking thoughts captive. So we need to take thoughts captive. In mindfulness, yeah. You can't you can't control which thought comes up only if you're aware of it. If we always have music on, and if we're not quiet, we cannot hear his word.

Jacob 42:46

Yeah.

Jeremy 42:46

And we can't hear that the the subtle truth, yeah. Um, or the loud truth, I should say. Um, I you you can see the news agencies trying so hard to propagate stories. Yeah. And and so just the writing is on the wall. The gospel writing is on the wall, the good news is there on the wall for us to read it. But also So, what's the takeaway for people that are entering into this um tough life? Like what do you leave them with as far as give them a simple what's a daily practice they can do so that they're not lukewarm? Think about dying to yourself and what that means. Because if you're not willing to die to yourself, you're not willing, you're not gonna make it. But you make it sound like it's uh something I don't want to do. Right, because you don't. Your flesh doesn't why would I do it then? Because then you can have eternal life. You can save money, you can eat good, you can drink good, you can celebrate life, so my life can laugh at your life. My life will be better, though, is what you're saying. 100%. Okay, so I'm not I'm actually it's you're saying it sounds bad, but it's really not. It's the good. So imagine somebody about to commit suicide over addiction. Yeah, their whole life they've been living for themselves.

Jacob 44:04

Yeah.

Jeremy 44:05

So if they were they're ready to die for to themselves. So just give your life to the Lord. Yeah, do you see what I mean? They're literally about to take it because the enemy has come in here and destroyed it from the inside out. So then the only thing left is to so I I I was an addict. I was that kid saying, let's smoke and get as high as we could. I remember saying it to my best friends let's see what it's like to get the highest we can. Yeah, let's see what it's like to create an AI so powerful. Let's see what it's like to create the fastest car. And guess what? It's only gonna create our demise because real joy is in him. And so if we're not willing to die to ourselves and accept life for what it is, which is good, life was created in a good, he gave us free will. We don't have to come to him, you don't have to die to yourself. You can keep living for yourself if you want to. Um, and you can come to him and go back to yourself like I do. I do it all the time. And this is why I think I'm not gonna make it. Because I I I try, dude. I try, and I keep you think you're not gonna make it back to myself. Yeah, I keep going back to myself. And and so isn't it yourself that thinks that? So dying to yourself would be to let that thought go. Yeah, you know, because it's the little self-yeah, it's a yin-yang, you know, it's uh so I'm in the flesh, so I have no choice but to be of the flesh. Yeah, so this is what God created. So I I can love it, yeah, and but not be addicted to it. And that because I found that my true addiction is really him and and and love like ah, yeah, you know, there is what's better than being with your father? Yeah, nothing. There's nothing being better with your father. So Leon being in here playing Overwatch with you, that's all he wants. Yeah, whatever you want to do is what he wants. So I want what he wants. Lord, help me be willing to be willing and I give you my will. Give me a will because I'm done to mine. I I have I I do I screwed up over and over. I I got all the I I I can't do right, dude. I just can't. I can't you're doing right all the time. I'm not, dude. I am because I'm dying to myself for once. Yeah. Finally, dude. Because it's the it's the the self that you have to die to is the one that is making you feel that way. Yeah. It's all a lie. All the colors are my favorite. I love the rainbow. Yeah. I I don't I as much as I love blue, I love red, I love black, I love white, and and and so just on on a on a on on a exit note, dude. Yeah, um, lust can grow. And I think we can have an excessive amount of lust, right? Right. Even over our wife, wife. Um I lust over you though. And so it and then it overextends into car parts. Like people, people, uh people will call cars women. Oh, you see this girl? Oh, yeah, she's a flying girl. Like, I don't like objectifying cars to women or to to hot things. You know, like the world is in a sick place, dude. I'm very, I think, conservative, but only because I skipped the Sunday school class, I was sitting with mom.

Jacob 47:23

Yeah.

Jeremy 47:23

On on half of those days that we went to church, I was sitting in the big leagues absorbing all of it. Yeah. And that and I see why I and now I'm I'm I'm realizing my message. Like when I talk about this stuff around kids, I need to be mindful. Not only that, the gospel is so good, we should be able to have Leon in here to have these conversations. Like, is the world at such a contorted point we can't have our kids present during the truth? And guess what? That's that's true. We're separating. When we go to church on Sundays, we put our kids in the kitty class and then we go to the big leagues.

Jacob 47:57

Yeah.

Jeremy 47:58

Even though our kids are the ones that are gonna pay the price for us keeping our mouth shut. But we don't need to instill fear, we we don't need to talk about it in a fearful way, and I don't need to talk about the gospel anymore in a fearful way. Yeah, so if you are convicted at all, just know that God is inside of you and there is a God dwelling in there that's we are the temple of the Spirit of God, says Paul. Now to push back a little bit on that, because the problem I find with churches nowadays is they don't do anything but say you ought to do it. Faith without works is dead. So people that go up to those preachers, they have a point. So this podcast is shit. This dude, if we don't go into the world, what I'm saying is like if if you don't give someone brass tacks, like you go to church, you hear a scripture to and a sermon, and it's basically the same thing every time. You ought to do better. Yeah, but what do you do? God is good, dude. God is but God is not, God is not, and we'll rest it there. Yeah, we'll cause it. Yeah, I'm just saying, we turned up the temperature, dude. The temperature is turned up, and and I'm I'm just tired of being lukewarm. I will I I gotta do my oil change, gotta get the I'm starting this dealership, you know. Like I'm so uh the closing wisdom, real quick for somebody. Yeah, that was the closing wisdom. Just a real I gotta snip it so I gotta pee so bad. Let's go. We've got to pee that and I'm fired up for the Lord. And if that's not like like I just held it all that much more. Well, we are we are we're good, yeah. Yeah, we'll we'll we'll come back at another time. Okay, yeah, yeah. Because I I I I can't I won't stop. I'm not gonna stop. Yeah, good episode. And and if you stop, you you're not gonna live you're not gonna live for him. If you don't stop and and die and and say, I don't care, I'm not ordering DoorDash tonight. I'm not eating that pizza tonight. Yeah, I'm gonna make some chicken and rice. If we don't ever stop and deny ourselves, that's what it is. Denying ourselves. Yeah, just deny. I don't say die to yourself, but that's what denying yourself is. Yeah, you're saying I'm not gonna get DoorDash, I'm gonna save this money for the bill. Paul said that in the New Testament to die to yourself daily. And guess what? If if if we show God we're willing and not just like living for ourselves, we we can obtain more. But most importantly, you are enough even as you fail. You are enough right now. Let's go let's call it as a good episode. Right now, you are enough. 100% we're all enough. We're we're we're all enough. Yep. All right, peace out. Even when we fall in sin, you know, it's uh yeah, great episode.

Outro and Psalm 139

Jeremy 50:37

Well, all right, everyone. That was my brother Jeremy. If you are still here, thank you for staying with us through all of that intensity. He doesn't know how to do a half version of himself, and honestly, I wouldn't want him to. What I hear underneath everything he's shared, the accidents, the fear, the burnout, the faith is this. Life is hard because it matters. Fear and paranoia are loud, but they're not the final word. And even when we're convinced we are screwing it up, there's still this quiet place inside us that hasn't gone anywhere. If you're in your own stuck point right now, if you also carry trauma, anxiety, or the weight of knowing how fragile life is, you are not alone. Your hypervigilance makes sense. Your fear is a signal, not a failure. You are enough right now, exactly as you are. Not when you're healed, not when you're fixed, right now, with all your broken pieces. You are enough. And Jeremy keeps his Bible closed, so I want to close with a passage from David, from my brother, and for anyone listening who's carrying heavy things. David writes, Where can I go from your spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there. If I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, Surely the darkness will hide me, and the light will become night around me, even the darkness will not be dark to you. The night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. Thank you for listening. Blessings to me.