My Dad, Grant Buehler: The Anger I Inherited

My dad, Grant Buehler, joins me for his first podcast appearance to talk honestly about the anger he inherited, the moments it nearly destroyed him, and what finally began to change.

We talk about growing up with a father shaped by World War II trauma, the patterns that get passed down in families, and a deathbed reconciliation that shifted everything. Grant also shares his own battles with rage—from a near-fatal car accident in college, to a road rage incident on the way to church, to the fight that landed him in jail and became a turning point in his life.

This is a conversation about generational trauma, forgiveness, faith, and the slow work of healing. Grant closes by reading Psalm 37—a passage about releasing anger and trusting in something bigger than ourselves.

Content note: frank discussion of violence and alcohol abuse. 

Transcript

Grant 0:01

And I'll never forget it. I looked at him. And how do I say it? He wasn't there. He was fighting a war somewhere. He was gone.

Jacob 0:13

Like blacked out with anger or trauma.

Grant 0:17

The look. I'd never seen this look on my dad's face, and it just troubled me because I couldn't relate.

Jacob 0:24

Welcome back to Standing Nowhere. I'm Jacob Bueller, and today's episode is one I've been waiting to record for a long time. My dad, Grant Bueller, joins me for his first ever podcast appearance, and he didn't hold back. We talked about generational trauma, the anger he inherited from his father, a World War II veteran with PTSD, and how that same anger nearly destroyed his own life before Faith intervened. This is a conversation about what gets passed down, what gets broken, and what gets healed. I'm grateful he trusted me with his story. This is episode 30. Well, Dad, here we are. We're doing a podcast together. Hey, right. We talked about this. We talked about it for a while. Everyone listening, this is my dad, Grant Bueller. Welcome to the Standing Nowhere podcast. Thank you for having me. It's a pleasure. And it's fun. Absolutely. This is your first podcast, I think you've ever been on. Yes. Have you ever heard a podcast before? Yes. Okay. Well, I thought we would kick off right off the bat with uh a moment from your life that broke you wide open that just changed the fundamentals of the way you you look at your life right out of the gate. Wow. Big question.

Grant 2:03

Let me decipher a perfect answer. Okay. There is no such thing. No. Could you repeat the question?

Jacob 2:13

Yeah, a moment where, you know, you thought you had life figured out to some degree, um, perhaps a rhythm of normality, and then something happened in your life, and your life was never the same again, whether the way you view it, the way you interact with it, you know, your day-to-day that just really changed you.

College & The Cloud of Confusion

Grant 2:35

Well, I'm trying to analyze, and I think I would say college was a bit of a disappointment for me.

Jacob 2:47

Really? Yes. Well uh did you go into it with certain expectations and it just wasn't.

Grant 2:54

Yes, yes. I thought it was the way out. Uh in other words, to better myself and that sort of thing, to make a comfortable living and things would be better. Uh uh, you know, uh except of course it would require hard work, which I was willing to um uh facilitate, but it it just discouraged me. I actually was depressed in college and it wasn't the experience that I in even a Christian college at that. But I did not do my part. I didn't build my faith at that time.

Jacob 3:33

I mean I did somewhat, but so you were you had faith at the time, but it was lukewarm.

Grant 3:40

Well, yeah, I would say it was lukewarm and then also the influences. Uh you know, a lot of people appeared to be uh doing well in their academics, but they were just party addicts. And so I accidentally fell off the the I don't know, the wagon, whatever you want to call it. And uh I um just had difficulty with the whole process.

Jacob 4:08

So you fell into those cliques that were partying a lot and not focused on their their studies?

Grant 4:15

Well, yeah, my first dormitory I moved to is called Errand Hall, and it was the only coed dorm on campus. So we were the thing, we were the happening thing. Yeah. But I cannot repeat the um initiation uh language that we uh used that they had us sing songs that were for a Christian university unacceptable, I would say, today. Really? Yes. Do you remember them? Oh, yes. You don't want to say it? Well, I can, but you better cover your ears.

Jacob 4:47

Okay. Yeah, if you don't mind. I I'm curious. Okay. Was this like a fraternity or yeah, yeah.

Grant 4:53

We were the uh Good Soul fraternity. Something like uh let me think if I can even begin here. Uh uh thirty-nine doucheballs tied in a knot, eat, suck, butt, fuck, gobble, gobble, chew. We're the men from Good Soul, so forget you. Yeah. It was for a Christian university, it kind of was very uh uh totally liberal. Oh wow, was that Whitworth? Yeah, Whitworth College. Yeah. Okay. So and I had a professor, Harry Dixon, he was a wonderful professor, but uh I could imitate him. I still can to this day. Yes, my name is Harry Dixon. Yes. He was a very good uh economics professor. And uh I took a couple of classes from Harry, Money and Banking, but I did not finish. Oh, okay. And that's where I met your mother, actually.

Jacob 6:00

Back at college? Yes. Oh, yeah. She she mentioned that on the episode I did with her. She said you guys smoked a little pot together and had some fun.

Grant 6:09

Well, if if you need to know, when I went to Hawaii, I was probably high for uh probably a year and a half period all the time. Really? But that helped me overcome some real challenges because I had a bad experience at Whitworth College. I got in with a drinking crowd the first time with my fraternity. They were all all I'd say everybody up there was practicing alcoholics, but so started for college. Yes, at the college there. And uh somehow we functioned and got through, got by. And then the second year I I purchased a car, and we I drank a fifth and a half of tequila, two bottles. Wow. The second bottle, all in about an hour and a half time. I was inebriated and I was racing somebody in the back part of the college, and I rolled my car over in at the Abe Lincoln dormitory parking lot. What? And then left it upside down on oh, it rolled back on its wheels, and then I proceeded to go over to the saga dining hall, and I walked in there and I started piling food on a plate so it looked like a uh what you call it, a pyramid. Started eating, and then I remembered, oh yes, I left my car. I better go check on it. So walking back to the car, I looked at the car and couldn't tell anything was wrong with it. I go, oh, okay, here's my car, and drove back to the dormitory. And then I proceeded to get out of the car, and uh-oh, I was getting sick in my stomach, so I knew I needed a shower. So I walked in and removed my clothing, and next thing I know, I woke up in the hospital. Wow. So I was uh that was a near-death experience.

Jacob 8:05

Really?

Grant 8:06

Yeah, and I also learned that I had very almost hit a girl walking across across between the two dormitories.

Jacob 8:17

Wow.

Grant 8:18

So uh alcohol was not good for me. Yeah. And I even had to sign a contract that I wouldn't drink it anymore that year or I I would be removed.

Jacob 8:28

Wow.

Grant 8:28

So I took it serious.

Jacob 8:30

So this was like your first venture kind of into the adult world going to college.

Grant 8:34

Yes.

Jacob 8:35

Because I originally asked you um, you know, a moment or a time period that broke you open, and and you're saying college, and you said you thought it was an escape. Uh, I noticed when you mentioned that, what were you escaping from exactly?

Grant 8:48

Well, okay, growing up, obviously, um, I had a hard life as a kid. And uh I thought that college, uh, everything would be fine. I'd be able to study. My problem was I couldn't see the target where to throw the dart to apply myself. And didn't know what you wanted to do. Didn't know what I wanted to do. And here I am depressed. Everybody knows where they want to go, and and then I'm can't figure it out. So I really wanted to take time off before I went to college and, you know, get my head straight, know where I wanted to go, and that type of thing. And my dad insisted, oh, you need to go to college. You go straight in. It's a good Christian college, it's a good safe place. And and so obviously the enemy was on my door at my doorstep, and I chose to open some wrong doors and and alcohol through alcohol and what have you. So it was a real, real hard time.

Jacob 9:51

So you had that uncertainty of what you wanted to do in life, and at the same time, all these new temptations were coming in. So it sounds like a big, almost like a cloud of confusion that you were in, and then this this accident. I didn't even know about that. So you rolled this car over?

Grant 10:08

Yeah. I only paid uh uh what was it, uh, $75 for a wonderful car. I'd still have it today. It was a little Mazda 1200 four-cylinder, four speed, cute little carb. And uh yeah.

Jacob 10:21

You already had an affinity for cars at this point. Oh, yes. And you like to drive fast sometimes, take chances, you know.

Grant 10:29

On a racetrack where everything where you're safe and the only person you hurt is yourself, you know.

Jacob 10:35

Yeah, absolutely. I would never want to hurt myself. So was there a point in college where you thought this isn't for me, it's time to go? Because you mentioned you had what, a year left?

Grant 10:44

Yeah, so I went a second year, and then uh let's see, the second year I got into uh marijuana. Okay, and uh um that was my release. Oh, I moved out of the dormitory because you were supposed to follow along everybody and like the sheep off the edge of the cliff, and I, you know, no, I'm my own thinker, and I just wanted to be on my own, get away from that, you know. So so my second year I moved over to the village dormitories and uh Is that when you laid off the drinking? Oh yeah, yeah.

Jacob 11:22

After that it was just cannabis, just kind of uh take it easy. I would have a beer now and then, but I wouldn't get, you know, drink any hard liquor or get plastered, no. And you mentioned you were depressed. Was that more of a depression of just not knowing, like you said, where to throw the dart, what you wanted to be into, uh not having uh a specific kind of passion, if you will?

Grant 11:43

Probably, but I think also my uh my youth, I was troubled because, you know, my my mom and dad, I love them dearly, both, equally. My dad went through serious trauma in his family life, and then the war, World War II intervened and he enlisted. And so between between all those hits on him, he was overprotective of me to the point where I never stayed overnight at anybody's house till I was 18 years old.

Jacob 12:15

No way.

Grant 12:16

Yeah, no sleepovers allowed ever. Wow. Ever, no, but but that's okay.

Jacob 12:21

You know So he loved you.

Grant 12:22

But he loved me intensely, and he didn't want me to die like his oldest brother was shot and killed by the police. I didn't know that happened. Yes, in 1935, cousin Gary, my father's oldest sister's son, uh re uh looked it up what had happened, and uh it was he got in with the wrong group of c people and um they stole a car in Rochester, New York, and then they sped w east, I think to Senectady or something like that. Right. And then the cops met him there with more fire, and so they turned around and then they headed uh south on some road, and so he was shot in the back fatally. He didn't die right then and there, he died about ten days later.

Jacob 13:17

Wow.

Grant 13:18

So Grandma Bueller, my my grandma Helen spent all that spent like ten days in the hospital with him. And so my father never ever spoke of his brother.

Jacob 13:31

Really?

Grant 13:32

Because of the shame and the guilt.

Jacob 13:33

Grand theft auto. You said you stole a car.

Grant 13:36

He stole a car, and then yeah. I never knew that story. Yeah. And that was his older brother? That's his oldest brother, Eugene, who is obviously no longer with us. He died in it happened in 1935. Wow.

Growing Up on Orcas Island

Jacob 13:49

So that kind of traumatized him when he was younger, and he became very protect protective. Yes. 18 years old, no sleepovers with any friends. Wow. No, no. So you were kind of waiting to get off the island. Uh you because you lived in Orcas Island at the time, right?

Grant 14:04

Oh, all my life. Well, three years. I was born in Rochester, New York, and then after uh three 59, 1959, we moved out to Orcas Island, Washington, where my dad opened the hardware lumber feed store. Yeah.

Jacob 14:19

So and what was what was that like um growing up there um with your brothers? I mean, you're the middle child of three brothers, right? Uh you had your mom and dad there. Uh he owned a um hardware store, I mean. Lumber, hardware feed store. Yeah. What was life like in in Orcas?

Grant 14:38

Okay, well, Orcas, Orcas was good, but we uh uh the business was first. And uh, but when dad was off work and then you know, we did fun things, we had a good life. Uh we had a jeep, we'd go up to the mountain, uh we fished a lot, go out, and dad loved the outdoors, and so uh, you know, we're always outside doing things. But the business was um uh co-run with my father's cousin and and his wife. That'd be Uncle Earl and Aunt Gert. And uh it worked good for about three years, but Aunt Gert became what's the word, wanted a change in her life and wasn't happy and got my aunt all upset, uh, Aunt Alice and uh Aunt Alice chewed my dad out one night and uh complained that my dad was too hard on Aunt Gert. Well, my mother did the same work and my mom didn't complain. So, I mean, you know, we had a store to run. We uh we gotta do inventory, uh take care of the customer, you know. So, anyways, make a long story short, uh I think 1964 Aunt Gert left and that became a burden on Greg and I because when dad would catch the last ferry home at night at say eight o'clock and get home get to the ma uhus by nine o'clock, then we'd have to unload the truck. Well, I remember one time saying to my dad, it was 12 midnight. I said, Dad, is it real late at night or is it real early in the morning? Because that's a good question. So there was a lot of work involved. Yeah. Uh my older brother Greg was he took care of the upfront, would pump gas and write people up and you know, take make change. Wow. And my dad said, Mirror Tiger, that's my nickname. And I worked in the back. I kept things neat and you know, mowed grass and stuff, whatever I had to do, stack lumber, what you know.

Jacob 16:54

Yeah. So wow. What what was um what was the family life like, uh, the dynamic? Because I I know you've told me some stories and whatnot. I but I I never, as far as my grandfather, I don't have a lot of solid memories with him. Yeah. Um, so I'm I'm kind of wondering like, what was your home life like uh back then?

Grant 17:14

Yeah, dad was uh I would say he was introverted. He was, you know, um, he was the happiest man when he was driving, traveling. When we go back for the summers, we would drive back to New York and he was a different person. He enjoyed he loved people, enjoyed people. He just didn't like people knowing his business per se. You know, like on the island. The Orcas Island is only an island 59 square miles.

Jacob 17:40

Wow.

Grant 17:41

And it was very confining. We knew 600 people, over 600 people on a first name basis.

Jacob 17:47

Wow.

Grant 17:48

So 600 was the population? Um, probably a little more than that. But just your some seasonal, but yeah.

Jacob 17:57

Wow. Yeah. And um I remember uh you you've told me some um some intense moments too. Like um what would would you describe him as mostly fun loving and warm and genuine until those moments where he would get a little angry, I suppose you'd say.

Grant 18:19

Well, he flat out lost at one time. Um things were harder when Greg left. Greg graduated in uh summer 72. And so uh my f let's see, I would have been a sophomore I was fifteen, I believe. And that was a hard that was hard after that because well, Greg used to be able to drive the truck. We'd go to young people's uh Sunday nights for the young people's meeting, and Greg would drive. Well, I wasn't allowed to drive, except I could drive, I could, you know, to church during the day, take mom and dad and coral, but and that's uh that was okay too.

Jacob 19:02

Yeah, I was just curious because of like your early life, you know, like uh grand grandpa was Fritz, I believe. Uh I just have very fuzzy, vague memories of him. Yeah. And you know, I've heard all these stories, and in pictures, he always seemed to be nice and smiling and stuff. I just didn't know uh how strict he was because he came from the Navy background. I know he had a lot of trauma from he lost friends and whatnot.

The Bulldozer

Grant 19:28

So oh I would say on a scale of one to ten, he was a ten for strictness, really. Yeah, and now now, but not with with my older brother Greg, he was very diplomatic with Greg. And Greg actually looks a little bit like his oldest brother Eugene, who was killed. And I think he just um they just gelled, everything was fine. But with me, it was he was deep down inside. I think he thought I was most like him and didn't want me to go. Through the troubles that his family, his brother, and etc. But uh, oh, now I remember the point. Am I allowed to speak it right now? Of course. So the point, the most intense I ever saw my father was the time uh it was in the fall of the year. It was raining for weeks, and we were building a road. We had to get the road built because the water was just um coming down the field per se, and we needed the road to be able to get up to the house and that type of thing. So dad's using the bulldozer. It's an old bulldozer, it didn't have gravel guards on the bottom to keep the rollers, keep the tracks on. He threw a track, and he just got so upset with me. We're in mud up to our ankles, he'd pull your boots off your shoes, it was miserable. And he got so upset with me, and I'll never forget it. I looked at him, and uh, how do I say it? He wasn't there, he was fighting a war somewhere, so he was gone, like blacked out with anger or something. Yeah, he was just the look uh I'd never seen this look on my dad's face, and it just troubled me because I couldn't relate. Yeah. And I didn't know where it would end, and he got real upset with me. We were trying to get the track on and digging mud and track the bulldozers sinking, and it was just the worst thing in the world. And he got so upset. Um, I love him. But he did backhand me pretty good, really, knock me around, and all I could think was I'm either gonna run or I'm gonna stay here and kill him, and I don't want to kill him because I love him. But the enemy was on my shoulder, so it was my turn to react with all my whitl well my with my spiritual training.

Jacob 21:58

Yeah.

Grant 21:58

Uh I just did about face and ran. I ran away and hid for like a half a day. I was crying, I was upset, you know. And the most unusual feeling of I'd do it all over again if I had to. But it hurt me. Obviously, I was emotionally shaken. But what could have happened, you know, I had to I had to force the evil from my thought process and just say, this is the enemy, and he wants me to do and I'm not doing this. But I was I was so upset, and then we patched it up that night. I didn't say much, but uh I just realized right then and there uh PTSD is a serious thing. Absolutely serious thing. And you know, you never know what's gonna trigger it. That's the thing, see? Maybe being stuck in the mud, the rain, soaked to the bone, we were soaking wet, our shoes boots were coming off, and you know, it seemed like so but they're also great times too. That's yeah, that's the crazy thing about T PTSD and the Dionysian, the two different, you know, uh uh expanse of emotions and range of thoughts and what can happen, you know. So I just thank the Lord I had the strength to run because I knew I didn't want to hurt my dad. I love my dad. And he was he was a great dad for what he went through. Yeah.

The Deathbed

Jacob 23:44

So yeah. It's good to hear you talk about this because I I've been curious for so long, and we've never really sat down and talked about old memories you had, and I had I I the the memories that I do have from that era, the one that really stands out strong to me is when your dad passed away. Because I remember how changed you were when it happened. You went through a profound sadness. Oh, yeah. So there was obviously a deep love that you had for this man. I remember uh one day we were living in Spokane, and I think it was um arrangements were being made for the funeral, or maybe it was after, and you were sitting in an armchair, and you were just I I remember I'd never seen you so sad before. It was like you were in some other place in your mind, you know. And oh yeah, I would just kind of like as a kid, I remember just kind of rubbing your hand and stuff, like it's gonna be okay, Dad. And it was like you were just processing whatever you had to process, you know.

Grant 24:54

It was definitely, definitely. I think one of the sad feelings was the law uh obviously the loss and the time that we could have corrected things, you know. But but the Lord is in this because on my dad's deathbed. I'll never forget this. Uh see if I can get through this. He said to me, he said, you know, Grandma said I was hard on you. And then he paused and he said, I was. Just like that, and then right then and there, it's like all heaven light shone through. I couldn't say a word. All I wanted to say was, Dad, I love you. I don't care. I don't care if we go through it again. I just want to be there with you.

Jacob 26:08

Yeah.

Grant 26:09

And with our Lord, and he'll make everything right someday. And that, that is the hope that I have. And I know, I know he's coming, and I'll see my dad again. Glorified. Absolutely. So guess what, enemy? The Lord will restore what the what the um uh what do you call them? The not the crickets, the the locusts have stolen. Right. And they have, in my dad's case, he, you know, so so I saw and uh again, most of the time he was happy. Yeah, uh only a few times we had these moments that were so intense that wow, you know.

Jacob 26:55

Did that have an effect on you, do you think, as far as you know, the the things that you learned from him and then perhaps carried with you for a time period in your life?

Grant 27:06

Yeah, forgiveness and mercy, you know, and and I'm s I still struggle today. I'm you know, but I have the joy of the Lord, and uh um he is right there with me, and he remember there's a verse that says, I will never give you any more than you can handle.

Jacob 27:25

That's a good one to remember. Where where did uh your faith come from exactly? Did you learn it from your parents um at a young age, or when when did it start in your life?

Grant 27:37

Yes, well, mom and dad, we always said blessing. And we also uh we always attended church, and so from an early age on, you know, I was around a lot of Christian people at the church and and mom and dad, I mean, their you know, their demeanor was, you know, to serve people. That's what it was all about, uh, serving people.

Jacob 28:04

Genuine service. Yes. Did you did you take it sincerely right from the get-go? Because most children, when they're brought up in either a Christian household or Hindu, you know, take your pick of if your faith. Um, most children go through the motions. Yeah. And then there's either an age where it becomes sincere or they abandon it. And do you remember how early or how young you were when it was sincere for you and you took it like your relationship with Yahweh as a real thing? Or was it was it through the motions up to a certain point?

Grant 28:43

Well, I I believe that I have always been had spiritual inclination to seek higher power, seek the Lord, and early on, and so it, you know, uh what's the word? I w I would manifest or I would uh think I think good things, godly things. I always thought of building and being industrious. My father is very industrious, and so I go, well, if my dad can be, I can be. I know I can. So that was just a a given, you know. Right. So uh hopefully I pass that on to you guys. I hope so. So, yes. So uh I remember one time the uh pastor, Pastor Lecomte and his wife, Evie, they had me over at the parsonage one time for a meal, and I I remember that as a kid, and I was thinking, wow, this is spiritual direction, but yet I didn't know the words, but maybe at the time, but I knew that I like this. I like the peace and the love and the message. Compassion. Compassion, yes, yes.

Jacob 29:57

That's that's one thing I've noticed with you. Um, you know, I have to say right away, is my sincerity towards um Yahweh and um my uh foundation for all of that largely came from my parents. Both you and mom took it very sincerely. And you didn't just go through the motions and even in in spite of all your flaws, because you're human like me and anyone else, we're not perfect. I have more flaws than you do. We'll make this a contest at the end. We'll see. But yeah, I mean, all through your life, even when you struggled with um anger uh in some of your younger years, you know. Um, you go go back to the episode I did with mom, she spoke highly of you and how you struggled with it initially, and then your compassion. I mean, today when we go out anywhere, you're always greeting people, smiling, yeah. Thanks for coming to work, you know. Yep. It's like everyone you meet is like your best friend.

Grant 31:01

They are, they're my brothers and sisters.

Learning to Love Others

Jacob 31:03

They are. Was there something in your life that really cat catapulted you into that? Or like when you was it looking at yourself perhaps reflectively? Um did that make you love others as well? Like, what was the process like in terms of you know your daily spirituality and and um walking in love and compassion?

Grant 31:28

Well, I would have to say, believe it or not, my grandpa Fritz, Frederick James, who Jeremy's named after, um uh I just admired his joy to talk to people. Really? And always ask and inquire, you know, and he was very sincere and uh, you know, and he he enjoyed people. He always he like I said, when I saw him when we were traveling, he was a different person because he was freed. He uh Orcas Island was very confining. Yeah. And like I said, 59 square acres miles, and we knew everybody. And uh after a while, um how do I say it? It just seemed what's the word? He seemed um he just had problems with uh people taking advantage too. Because my dad was so good-hearted, there was no ambulance uh excuse me, there's no uh tow trucks and there were no um taxis. My dad would offer rides all the time. So when he could go stuck in the ditch, he would pull them out for free. You know, he wouldn't ask anything. Well that was my the way my dad was, you know, and so so I saw the joy and service in his heart and and the genuine loving people, and I I thought, I want to be like that. So that's awesome. Yeah. And my mother too. I've I haven't even mentioned her. Yeah, what a wonderful woman. Emma, she loved everyone, everyone was her her her uh friend. Yeah, you know, she just loved people and and yet, you know, they grew up in such poor with you know uh very hard times, but that could be another Yeah.

Jacob 33:17

Yeah, around World War II, that era was insane. I mean, the the depression, um, the war itself. I mean, I can only imagine. And then the trauma he went through. He was on a destroyer. You told me the story about his ship getting destroyed.

Grant 33:32

Yeah, it's uh it the number was USS Deutsch 670. Wow, and uh he was in some of the most ferocious battles uh off of the Philippine Islands, Ley Tea Gulf. Uh they had three different Japanese uh uh divisions in different places, and they didn't have enough ships to maintain, and so they faked out the Japanese got faked out somehow, thought there were more ships, but actually, yeah, it was horrible. He uh some of the horrible stories on on my father's deathbed, I asked my dad, Dad, what what do you want me to know about the war? And he raised his hands and lowered them fast. Nothing, lose it, you know. There's no good. There's nothing good about it. But some of the stories they would be out for they were supposed to only be out 30 days, they'd be out sixty days, ninety days. There were maggots in the food. Oh, geez. The storms were horrible. It almost rolled over a 55 degrees listing. It was a miracle. One day in dad's log, I remember I I think he had to he prayed all day and all night that they wouldn't be lost.

Jacob 34:45

So I think I read that journal entry in his journal uh that your brother gave me. Yes. He said he literally prayed all through the night. I mean, it was like you couldn't sleep anyways, so you might as well as well be praying to our maker. Oh man. And it sounds to me like overall he was a really nice guy and he had a lot of good memories with him, um, aside from those moments where you didn't know who he was anymore when he lost himself. And I know some of that probably transferred to you as we we picked things up as kids.

Grant 35:21

Oh, of course it did. And and got transferred to you the time I lost it in the backyard with Mike Ripovich and uh doing the concrete.

Jacob 35:31

Basketball court.

Grant 35:32

I had severe concrete burns because Michael wasn't helping me with properly, and he was just dragging the mud back, making big, you know, yeah, gape, and I I got so upset, and then somehow I turned my anger on you and said words that I was gonna ask you in regard to this.

Forgiving Yourself

Jacob 35:56

Like, you we we all have our own unique path and struggles in life, and anger is a terrible one. It's like a a fire that burns from the inside. And what what has the journey been like loving yourself through those mistakes? You know, the divorce with mom, yeah, the split. Um, there were many years where we were apart, you know, we would only talk on the phone once in a while. Once in a great while. Because I think you were still in Washington, we were in Vegas, and then thank the Lord we've reconnected over the last almost two decades now. Yeah, it seems like it's gone by quick, you know. Um but what what's it been like forgiving yourself for that? Because you are. I mean, I look back on you in your late 20s, early 30s when you were really a lot more strict. I remember I couldn't put my elbows on the table, my chair had to be. I'm gonna call you out on a few of those things too. No, but um you're you're very um, I don't know if mellow is the right word, more relaxed. Um, you have a lot more compassion, I think, um, patience. You've obviously aged well uh in that regard. But like what's the process been like uh forgiving yourself and loving yourself? Because there's a lot of people listening, perhaps they've been in situations where they uh can relate a lot to what you went through and they have trouble forgiving themselves. What's it like forgiving yourself and loving yourself in spite of all your your humanness?

Grant 37:31

Yeah, well, again, uh I was a very intense child. I uh my German descent and German-Irish descent, I'm uh I remember having it trying to take a shoe off, and I got developed a knot, you know, it wouldn't come off, and it was a high top boot, and I couldn't get it off. Finally, I somehow got it off, and I threw it through the glass door wind through uh like an 8 by 12 pane of glass. Oh, geez. And mom was not happy with me, and yeah, she told dad, and when he came up for lunch, and because we lived above the store, that's where our living quarters were, and so we also had to be quiet, but anyway, that's another story. But um, yeah, so I've always been intense that way. But uh um uh getting back on the question, um I just knew I needed the love of the Lord, I wanted his love, and I wanted to be able to love others, and I you know, you make mistakes and you can't take them back, but but you can change if you allow yourself, if you really circumspect and you look inwardly and you say, Okay, I can't change anyone around me, but I can change I can change myself. So, yeah, there's definitely um you know, some things I quite a few things I don't like about myself, but I'm I'm always in the tune-up shop. I'm always I call my church uh hospital for sinners. Hospital for sinners. Because because the work will never be done until Christ comes and we are made new, made whole. And that's what I asked the Lord. Um the Lord's been really good to me. He's y you know, obviously I found Lisa and uh we got off to a a a great start, but then we had trouble and because of me, and uh you know, she forgave me, the Lord Jesus Christ forgave me, and now uh things are great. I mean, they're not perfect. We all we we have our differences, we have our our likes and dislikes, but yes, by and large, the Lord uh I always knew I needed uh needed. his guidance and strength and that's that's where my my strength comes from and I want to be like him I want and that's why I I love people.

Road Rage

Jacob 40:09

I I you know the world I have to meet someday I'm gonna meet all my brothers and sisters in the courts of praise but in the meantime uh the message is to let other people know hey he's coming let's be ready you know and that starts with me I have a lot of work to do don't we all I think that's awesome though that um you know we we're we're gifted things from our parents sometimes that we don't want uh things like uh bad habits like anger or this or that and uh you came out of the other side of it and I remember it got pretty intense for you. If I can call you out on one more moment I remember hearing about it. I wasn't there for it. Uh-huh um you mentioned the college incident where you rolled your car but there was wasn't there another road rage incident that you had with a driver oh yes ended up flipping your car a couple of times right so we were talking before our pea break we were I was asking you about the uh fast and the furious days so you were doing about 190 miles an hour. No okay yeah tell me the story about that because I was young when I heard about it but I didn't get the details.

Grant 41:23

Sure yeah I was uh we were separated at the time and uh again I was trying to reach out to the Lord I was going to a church out in the the valley east Spokane Valley and so I was coming down I think Hamilton south on Hamilton down a 35 mile an hour road and this kid out of nowhere comes racing up behind me and he almost hit my front left fender. They just like cut you off past you took me off for no reason he had two lanes you know and it was like in my face and so I'm trying to do the right thing go to church and worship the Lord and I thought that's it click I'm gonna teach him a lesson those are death words that's road raid. So we proceeded to try it drive at a high rate of speed down Hamilton. How how fast we talking here well probably 50 maybe and uh 35 that's moving. That's not too bad. And then we got on the freeway and uh I proceeded to catch up him I think I would even would have done something as bad as I don't know flip him a finger or something.

Jacob 42:39

Maybe who knows who could remember these details you know so I catch up to him I look over and I I blow a sign that isn't nice I and he right back at me.

Grant 42:54

So okay buddy you're on so now we step up the game we're going 7080 now we're doing 90 I think we got up to maybe 9500 and and uh I pulled I passed him yeah and and then stood on my brakes and slowed him down that's road rage so you pass you got in front of him slammed on your brakes slowed yeah I made him I made him slam his on so you hit your brakes pretty hard really hard okay okay and he came right up and bumped me then he went around again and I and why didn't I stop at one? Oh I had to get a second dig in right the same thing. What a dunce angry going to the house of the Lord and mad as you know what you were coming out of church? No no no I was on my way to the church. You were on your way to church I was on I-90 Interstate 90. Oh my gosh and I pulled in front of him a second time and stood on the break that time I did it too hard because he tagged me in the rear and then spun me around into the guardrail and we shut down I-90 for a matter of a half hour or 20 minutes. Wow so the police officer came highway patrol and said he got statements from other people and then he he walked up to me and he said so you guys are having a cat and mouse game here huh so well here's your dangerous driving ticket wow yeah just spun into the guardrail and banged up my fender and banged up his car and that was it. They say it was your fault no it was like equal fault it was equal we were both cat and mouse okay so but wow of of all things here um I'm on my way to worship the Lord and I wind up in Satan's band you know so did did you take anything away from that like did you ever have did you have an inner monologue with yourself after that like I gotta I gotta straighten out my drive uh not allowed no more you know somebody could have been killed because you were what 40s probably yeah 40 something probably yeah but well no I think it was uh 39 40 yeah forty right in there maybe 41 okay and things weren't going with good with your mom and I trying to reconcile and we had just moved to Vegas I think at the time yeah yeah okay so it was a horrible memory I'm ashamed and uh I understand road raids now and now people play with guns in road raids so especially here in Arizona I I I try to not mess with any drivers here because it's yeah oh that's crazy.

Jacob 45:32

Wow so was there I was gonna ask you in regards to your um your transformation we were kind of talking about earlier did you ever feel like God was like talking to you and moving through you totally yeah yeah yeah you yeah I believe the good Lord has a sense of humor too yeah and I think he's just going what are you doing you know I mean come on I didn't bring you up to do this yeah you know I'll I'll still save you but you gotta be changing your ways son you know how many chances am I gonna give you exactly mercy mercy and grace are his hallelujah that's the funny thing about you is you've always had um a big sense of humor you know I would say most of the time you just like laughing and smiling I love to laugh yeah I love laughing I love to see people happy yeah yeah you have a big appetite for laughter um I remember as a kid you'd you'd watch those cheesy movies the uh what was it they they gave them out at McDonald's you remember that oh yeah we took home uh yeah babes in Toyland I think with uh Drew Barrymore what a terrible movie that was I hate to say she had a reason you would just make fun of the whole movie and I thought you were just the funniest guy in the whole world just hearing my dad make fun of this movie yeah yeah those are some great times I always found the irony in that like uh you know there'd there'd be those moments where you would get upset you know but yep you just other than that you just love to laugh and have a good time and I remember the one time I got off the bus and um a kid who later became a good friend of mine he like punched me or something. Do you remember that day?

Grant 47:23

Oh yeah I saw it and so I ran down the I don't think I had shoes on or something. You didn't have a shirt on either didn't have a shirt on I I ran down the road and I said oh no this isn't the way we act as neighbors we need to get along and I made both of you shake hands yeah right then and there and say this is over and we need each other.

Jacob 47:42

In other words we're community and all good things come from people who cooperate and you know in social uh uh what am I trying to say um society create society and and and goodwill it's funny we became friends after that too good friends to this day actually not amazing it's amazing praise the Lord that was a scary day though we got off the bus it was snowing out he did I think he pushed me or something we had a little tiffle yeah and then I I look over or he starts running and I didn't see you yet yeah so he just takes off and I'm like what happened with him and then I look to the left and here's my dad in in these jeans blue jeans no shoes no shirt it's snowing outside yeah and you were full like Tom Cruise sprint I was sprinting like there was your feet were trying to gain traction because you were so like oh you look like the Terminator like after somebody and I got scared I thought you were after me yeah I thought you were after me because I I started a fight or something I was like dad no please and then you ran right past me and I'm like oh okay and you just had this kid I think by his collar or something I you first you took him to his uh parents' house yeah and then you had me come down and shake hands with them.

Grant 48:58

Yeah because because it was all about okay you guys had a little tiffle but we are we're neighbors and we're friends and and you matter and you matter and I wanted you both not not to feel threatened uh even though I'm sorry I ran but I had I wanted to nip it in the bud right then and there and say oh wait a minute there there's another way and forgive me for being maybe abrasive that way but I saw a time where uh if if I could intervene that it would be good for both of you. Yeah. I mean ultimately for you but also for him too because he was a good kid. You just guys had a misunderstanding and I had quite a few growing up with with kids. I was bullied quite a bit so oh really so oh yeah oh yeah.

Jacob 49:44

Yeah back in the day bullying used to be a lot more intense. Oh yeah so I think it's it's gone almost too much now I uh a lot of people are saying you gotta bring back a little bit of bullying nowadays I'm kidding but bully for you yeah bully for you yeah it's funny um I was going to um I wrote something down and uh forgot what I was gonna ask. Oh um yeah in in regards to like uh your relationship in regards to your relationship with Christ what do you think is the biggest thing that uh Christ has done through you to change you and shape you as you move along I I notice a lot of the time you're you're saying words like looking within and things like that. So a lot of it is just being aware of what you're doing, right? Yes. So like what what do you think in terms of uh Christ uh working through you or like some of the biggest changes he's made in your life?

Grant 50:43

Oh wow okay kind of a big question but yeah well to to one um uh to be more meek and not fly off the handle uh uh uh uh instantly to to assess the situation, see see the obvious we look at everything first because respond instead of react. Right, because if we can understand where s uh where our brother or sister are coming from that may be offending us offending us then then we'll have a better idea of what it is that we can do to cr you know we can't fix everything, no it but we can certainly be better neighbors, friends, confidants, whatever, whatever the Lord would have us do. And sometimes it's just a nod of approval or you know or a you know with respect. Yeah there's a lot of hurting people out there and as time goes on it's it's becoming worse and worse we're coming as as uh the world is um time is what do you think of the world right now becoming well it's uh it's definitely a busy place. The enemy has so many destruction uh uh what do they call distractions and uh it was a simpler world in the sixties as I remember even the seventies thing well college and things were getting more intense but now um uh boy like for ex finan just finances that's what tore us apart um always in debt never good enough couldn't never get ahead and for me the stress that I I I think oh and then physically when I blew out my knee um in the union not able to make payments and the stress of that it just it was uh took me out basically medical bill payments med oh all kinds of yeah once I was injured I wasn't able to we I we were a single family income your ma I we chose that you your mom would stay home and raise you guys and she did a wonderful job but that was only dependent upon me being able to bring home the bacon or the ham or whatever you call it and when that all changed um that's when uh seems like the enemy stepped in I mean we even missed the short term uh benefits window for uh uh disability really yeah which should never be closed yeah if you get hurt you earn the right to receive that well that would have helped us out big time but by the time we found out about oh I'm sorry that window's closed and so I feel for you today what's going on in the world it's you know it's just and that's why we need to be more in tune with the Lord because he know he sees it all he's got the big picture.

The Divorce

Jacob 53:46

Yeah finances is like the big struggle in my life right now I talk about it a lot on the podcast and um I remember you mentioning that was a major cause of a lot of marital problems between you and mom back in the day both of you be extra stressed out easily irritable. Yes. Do you remember what life was like after you guys the the day she left uh she talked about it on the podcast she said it was like she tried to be stealthy about it.

Grant 54:10

Yeah it seemed like I was injured and we had to get out of California we couldn't afford the payments and you know plus we owned the house in Spokane up on Norden Avenue. Yeah 324 Norton 324 Norton that's right somebody else lives there right now who just gave out their address so so anyways our our plan was to just move back there and ask the renters if they would move on which is sad but you know and uh because it was month to month I think is what we and anyways we we said we we would agree to just separate and I had no at that point I didn't want that but uh and I certainly didn't want divorce to happen. Yeah but you know everyone has their expectations and their um their limits and what have you and so how did you carry on?

Jacob 55:08

Because I'm I'm picturing myself in your shoes and it's like you've got a wife you've got what four kids at the time um and then overnight you're not together anymore and you're by yourself like did you did you go through a period of sadness and um oh sure range of emotions I remember you were living in the in um with a Reverend at the time Reverend Reem Reverend Reem Reverend Reem yes I was very fragmented because especially when you guys left for Vegas not only did I miss your mom but you each one you Jacob and you Jessica and you Joshua and you Jeremy and I was just I was I was a lost man.

Grant 55:53

If I didn't have the Lord at that time I'm just grateful because I don't know if I'd have made it.

Jacob 56:03

Yeah and I'm being honest with you. I remember the pain in your voice you'd call me all the time and you were just so sad and crying all the time and as a kid it was like I was trying to understand it. It's hard to empathize for times when you're young you know but I just felt bad. I would I would talk to you on the phone and you were just always so sad full of tears and I just wanted to make you happy but I didn't know what to do. We were states away.

Grant 56:27

I know and that's it's so hard on you guys you know I yeah it's a divorce is not a um uh the Lord uh does uh doesn't like it it's not his way. Yeah because when you marry someone you are in effect uh have an agreement uh have a come together but you're also you're you you're entering a covenant with the Lord and I I took it serious. I was always a good man to your mother. I never went out on her and coincidentally the where I worked the my last job with Husman before I was injured um I wasn't promoted into the full as a full-time foreman because I didn't go out and drink and cheat on your mom like they did. They all covered for each other and alibied and oh I'm over at his place paying playing pool. I wouldn't do that so therefore I I I made o okay money maybe 60,000 a year they were making 1200 a year. Wow they had company trucks and they had company gas cards so they didn't have to pay so I mean they were on easy street yeah and all they had to do is show up and point you do this you do this I was working you know physically all the time to the point mine blew my knee up at 34 years 32 three years old. Jeez I was on my knees for eight hours and here I'm a Finnish wood mechanic I can build any cabinet in any store and they're having me do toe kicks because they don't like me.

Jacob 57:54

Wow you know or just unions are supposed to stick together and and uh band together but it no no there's no it's it's not what you know it's who you know. Yeah I suppose it depends on which union you're in too and oh what a crazy time period. I remember you worked uh midnight shifts too so I barely saw you during the day and when I did you were always tired and burnt out you had to sleep and stuff.

Grant 58:21

Oh yeah I I never had a set schedule I had to call in every day at two o'clock I just I hated it. You didn't like the job? No no because I was belittled and I was just uh you know I was I was uh I wasn't not allowed to use my skills you know I was a cabinet maker and uh it's just it wasn't a good experience.

Jacob 58:45

Yeah I can relate I mean I'm doing DoorDash full time now and I'm capable of so much more but Hallelujah I'm sure part of that is self-imposed you know and just it's hard to when when you're working so much to squeeze in time to do anything you know and right to think right to you just want to recover and relax.

Grant 59:07

Or we compromise and we say well it's not the best but I can put up no yeah no you you have to get to a point and then you have to realize okay I'm not in this alone the Lord says I'll never give you anything that is too hard and and you know seek me in all your ways and uh you know I I would be so tired I wouldn't even pray sometimes. I remember it'd be long periods of time just wore out I I believe I actually had developed chronic fatigue because I was only getting four and a half five hours of sleep on average. You know and I and I was one time this is a true story and you ask your mother one time forgive me but one time I was so stressed out about work and and uh one foreman in particular he was a he was uh Just a horrible guy. And I was dreaming that he was in front of me and I was slapping his face. And I woke up to your mom going, ow, ooh, ow. No way. I was slapping your mom's face. No way. Yeah, ask her. I'd never heard that story. That's how stressed I was. Even your sleep. When you take stress to your sleep, you you're not dealing with it. You need to something has to change.

Jacob 1:00:24

And this is like you were chronically sleep deprived, getting four hours a night on top of it. So you probably were so tired you didn't realize you were dreaming.

Grant 1:00:33

Well, yeah. Wow. Yeah. I mean, there were times I would get more sleep, but by and large, you know, because you never shut the job off. If it weren't for the rumble strips, I would have fallen asleep. Um, sometimes the job is so grueling, we would do what they call a 10-day shutdown on a Vaughn supermarket. So we go in the first night, usually on a Sunday night, and gut the store. I mean, the whole store would be just uh gutted that night. Wow. So I'm breathing floor tile that have asbestos in them. I'm breathing skid steer, diesel smell. Um, we're loading trucks up, getting cases outside, and uh, and then you have to have it all done. The last the last two or three days, you could be up 24 hours. Uh one time, I think the longest ever worked was 37 hours. Really? And uh one week, five fellow union carpenters wrecked their trucks.

Jacob 1:01:35

Really?

Grant 1:01:36

Yeah. Jeez. Yeah.

Jacob 1:01:38

You guys went through it.

Grant 1:01:39

Uh yeah.

Jacob 1:01:40

Yeah, it was difficult. My God. All I remember as a kid is you just coming home and being like a corpse. Like you just wanted to collapse in bed and go to sleep. You know, yeah. I mean, that was uh because I was 11 when you when you guys parted ways. And um, you know, it was just those first years really in California, maybe a few in Spokane.

Grant 1:02:00

Yeah.

Jacob 1:02:01

But yeah, I remember how hard you worked, and I remember your knee going out and all that, and it was rough. Yeah, yeah. But I'm I'm just grateful we got we all got through it uh on the other end, you know. Olivia, yeah. What what's your what's your daily practice like in terms of your relationship with God? Is it like is it like something you do the first thing you wake up to get you centered on him?

Grant 1:02:22

I try to, and I have to be honest, I don't always, and it's um um it's something I'm trying to change where it's I get up and I want to worship the Lord first thing in the morning, just like Adam walked with the Lord in the cool of the day. And that's what I want to do all the time. I want, you know, and give him praise and glory for you know for all he's done and what he's continued to do through you guys and through your your mom and and just giving us life every day. You know, my brother just recently took ill, my brother Carl, and he has um pulmonary embolisms, he has multiple blood clots in his lungs. He's only 63. Wow. Well, it only takes one to give you either a stroke or a heart attack, andor both, you know. So health is is um amazing, it's wonderful. And the Lord created us so we can regenerate and heal.

Jacob 1:03:18

Hallelujah. Amen. So keep the you just create that space for yourself. Yes. Do you ever have periods in your life where you not necessarily doubted God, but you were mad at him or oh yes, yeah?

Grant 1:03:30

Oh sure. Yeah, and typically what would happen is then I then then when you're mad, you tend to not seek the source of life. You you uh you you know almost resent, you know, and and anger. There's times I would think, man, these other guys, they're they're they're just having a ball, they're out drinking and partying and you know, at work and and no financial woe. Yeah, the good old boys' club. And uh, you know, why why am I struggling so hard? Yeah. And and yeah, going backwards, it seemed like, you know. And then on top of that, then your spouse is unhappy because you're unhappy. You know, you your spouse only reflects, she's reactive to, you know, so if you're unhappy, she's gonna be unhappy. And then your kids are unhappy, and then nobody's happy, and then we need a pap. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jacob 1:04:23

So oh yeah. Yeah, it's rough. It it's it's interesting with the spiritual journey because we we try to center ourselves internally because we know what's inside is all we need. Right. But then we get a little taste of the external, yes, be it a donut or a nice paycheck or a TV show or a Camaro or something.

Grant 1:04:46

Yeah, something you kids hated. Yeah.

Jacob 1:04:48

And then things go wrong externally, yep. And then we get angry and frustrated, and then we forget to turn inward, so we go back, and it's this back and forth process. Yes.

Grant 1:05:02

Yes, I believe we will. And and we just have to keep on keeping on. Amen. Velma Bevan, a good friend, Christian friend in our church, she always would say this saying. In fact, she wrote a book, it said says, think on these things, which is a verse in the Bible. But Velma would always say, Lord, help me to be willing to be willing. So even when you're not willing, Lord, make me willing. Uh-huh. So that's a good one. I like praying. Pray earnestly, she'd say, pray earnestly. I can just hear her saying that.

The Bar

Jacob 1:05:33

That's pray earnestly. It reminds me of Paul in the New Testament where he says, Pray ceaselessly. Ceaselessly. Amen. It's tough. Like right now, I have a job that doesn't appreciate me, that's cut my pay by 35% over the last two years. And how do I be grateful in that, you know? But I was gonna ask you in regards to your faith, though. Um, it seems like you're in a nice spot now. You're real involved with your church, you help people out all the time. I'm always hearing you on the phone, like, oh, I'm helping out this guy for my church or that guy, and we let this guy stay with us for a little while. Yeah. How did you come to the Seventh-day Adventist uh denomination? Uh, can you walk me through that process? Sure. I mean, sure. I had never heard you uh being involved with them at all my entire life in the last what decade or two. I mean, so what's that story? Very good.

Grant 1:06:24

Well, uh, I had met Lisa in about 2004, about November 15th, and we clicked, we got along great. Um, and uh uh let's see, I had known her probably a year, year over a year, a year and a half, whatever. And um so uh what had happened was is uh we used to frequent the bar all the time, and when you're single, even though some guy is with uh a gal, it doesn't mean they're married. So if if you're in a bar, you're anybody's babe, you know. So this one guy in particular would always walk up to her and not just give her a kiss, but he'd try to kiss her on the lips all the time and stuff, and she kind of would go along with it, you know, like whatever, you know, but she liked him, but he, you know, not like me. Yeah. And so um one time I I must have snapped. I was I had worked all day up on a roof, and uh we got to the bar, we drank a pitcher of beer, maybe split a pitcher. You weren't together with her at this point. Yeah, I was with Lisa. Oh, you were with her. I was and this guy would still come over and do that stuff all the time, yeah. Oh wow, it was always because he was yeah, he was married, yet he was uh uh what do you call it? He just lived in the bar. Okay. He'd ignore his wife, and then she'd come in just to you know make sure.

Jacob 1:08:00

So Lisa wasn't obviously interested in him. He would just do his thing and she'd be like, Okay, okay, you know, go on your way. And then you were tired and upset this day. Well, yeah, I was I hadn't eaten right. So what happens?

Grant 1:08:12

He comes up to her and he comes up to her and kisses her, and I just lost it. I just I I harmed Lisa. I um uh such a gruesome thing. I'm ashamed to say it. I bit her earlobe off, and that's uh a horrible thing. And then our lives changed instantly because I knew I did wrong, I was upset, I was you know, here was an act of violence that you know, where's this coming from?

Jacob 1:08:36

So you got blackout rage.

Grant 1:08:38

Blackout rage. I lost it.

Jacob 1:08:40

She was your girlfriend at the time? Yep.

Grant 1:08:41

Yeah, we were close, we were intimate, we were, you know, we wanted to be together, and I just snapped. I lost it, and uh so I knew I was in trouble, and I had to go home. So I jumped in my truck and just ran home about six miles from the bar and uh got through the night. Oh, and uh also we had had wines and then people were buying us shots. So you were really, really drunk. Yeah, oh I was blasted, yeah. And then I think I uh I can't swear, but I we might have even been uh put something in our drink, I I perhaps, but I don't want to blame it on that. No. I have to take responsibility for what I did. I'm ashamed of it. I hurt her, I harmed her.

Jacob 1:09:32

And uh what was it like when you got your senses back and you realized what had happened?

Grant 1:09:38

The next day, the next morning, the police called and said, Mr. Bueller, you need to come and uh speak. Uh I mean you need to come and uh down to the precinct and we need uh uh have a talk. And so I I knew what that meant. So sure enough, I went down and uh they were uh we started talking and then I admitted everything. I didn't I didn't lawyer up. I should have, I could have, but I didn't. I just admitted everything, so instantly I was uh incarcerated, you know.

Jacob 1:10:10

Wow. So yeah. And that was a you brought up this moment because this was a tr a turning point for you, right? Oh, absolutely. Not only with drinking and getting that out of your life, but did this bring you into the Seventh-day Adventist church somehow?

Grant 1:10:24

Okay, so how that happened is I was in I was incarcerated for six days and I was able to go home, and then um uh when I was home, I happened to hear of a revelation seminar. Uh uh, you know, the book of Revelation. Yeah. And so I go, if ever I need the Lord, and really, really dig in, because I'm in a world of mess. You just felt like you were at the bottom. Oh, I was, yeah. Lisa had filed, she filed for uh what's it called? Um Restraining Order. Restraining order, thank you. And uh, you know, I just thought, I don't know how I could have done this. I and but lo and behold, that's alcohol, that's what it does. It you know. So with a fit of rage and uh did you have trouble loving yourself at that moment? Oh yeah, yeah. Oh of course, yeah. So forth. Yeah. So anyways.

Jacob 1:11:19

So you go to the seminar?

Grant 1:11:20

Oh, well, we went to the seminar and it was like uh three we three weeks. Did you both go? Yeah. Oh, so she's still with you. I asked her, I was praying, yeah. And uh this was before the order of uh not not what's it called? Restraining order. The restraining order. Okay, that that hadn't come up yet. But uh the seminar came up uh Revelation seminar, and so I prayed. I prayed, you know, if if we're ever gonna have a future, we need we need this. We need the Lord, we need to find out about Jesus' message in last days and what's gonna happen. So we went to it and I re I gave you know, re-established my life to the Lord and then asked to be baptized, and Lisa did too, gave her life to the Lord. And Jack Cologne was a pastor, a wonderful Seven Day Adventist pastor, and everything just flowed. Wow.

Jacob 1:12:19

It just it was so that event in the bar just was a catalyst of change. Absolutely. You were like, I gotta wake up at this point. I've been asleep. Yeah. And that woke you up. And and uh it was their leadership that that brought you in that seminar.

Grant 1:12:36

Yes, yeah, under uh Pastor Cologne, who's a French man, kind of a short French man, and the beautiful thing about it was he would he would you know talk for an hour and then his wife would sing before and then after, and between the two of them, Lisa fell in love with the word and the Lord and we have a whole new life.

Jacob 1:12:59

Yeah, the fact that she forgave you for that, yes, uh married you, and yes. We got uh what twenty-five years together now? Uh twenty.

Grant 1:13:09

Well, we met each other in twenty uh two thousand four, so it's twenty-two years. Yeah, we were married in uh the sa uh 2007. Oh, okay. St. Patty's Day of all days, but it happened to be a Sabbath, and uh we asked the pastor and he said, sure, I'll marry. Yeah. Wow.

Jacob 1:13:27

So that's a big turnaround. And now you're active in the uh church. Sadly, you're gonna be moving away from there soon. Right.

Grant 1:13:35

But there there are churches in our area where we're gonna moving to. So that's good.

Jacob 1:13:40

So yeah. You stay active in the church community and whatnot. Definitely, yeah. Keeps you tied. Yeah, I need I need that.

Grant 1:13:47

Yeah. The Lord is uh is just calling and just saying, hey, you know.

Jacob 1:13:52

Yeah. Our social connections is like a pillar of health. You know, you've got nutrition, you've got exercise, sleep, recovery, and then you've got uh socializing. Right. And I think who you hang out with is important. There's an old quote, uh, you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. So make it make them good ones, you know. Absolutely.

Grant 1:14:12

Absolutely. A good tree produces good fruit, and a bad tree produces bad fruit.

Jacob 1:14:17

I think Jesus said something like that.

Grant 1:14:19

Yeah, it's in the Bible, it's a quote, and I apologize. I don't know the exact verse.

Jacob 1:14:24

Yeah, I think it was Jesus actually. He said, You will know the quality of the tree by the fruit that it produces. Yes. I think he was actually referencing Israel at the time.

Grant 1:14:33

I think I think you're right. For out of the abundance of the heart flows the tongue. Exactly. Yeah.

Jacob 1:14:38

So that's amazing, Dad. Um, wow. It it's it's great really um going back through these memories. Um, I know some of them are painful, but they're like the almost like these beautiful scars that are given to us by God to teach us, to make us grow. It's like when people read the book of Job, they don't understand how you could allow X to happen to you, you know. But I think we fail to realize as a society these days that the bad creates the good. The um the hardship creates the the victory, you know. What what good is victory if there's no hill to climb? That's right. You know, that's right. It gives it the flavor, right?

Grant 1:15:24

Absolutely.

The Old Man Can Flare Up Anytime

Jacob 1:15:25

I mean, some of these things that we you're talking about and people are hearing, um they might seem extreme. Like not everyone struggles with anger like you did or like I may have, you know, in the first part of my life, but it's just one of the many varieties of struggles we deal with. Anger is very destructive force, totally destructive force, as yeah. Do you ever feel like there's that hulk inside of you and you have to watch out for them very closely because of things that have happened where you get blackout angry? Oh, yeah. Like you're always checking yourself.

Grant 1:16:01

Be on guard. I uh yeah, be willing to be willing. I need to hear from the Lord instruction and know when I'm you know faltering because um even the Lord says we are as filthy rags. And so we are as filthy rags? Yes. Really? Yes. Your your righteousness, excuse me, your righteousness is as filthy rags. Wow. And so, yeah, so right.

Jacob 1:16:27

You know, um you ever feel like um the old um the old signs of anger are still there sometimes?

Grant 1:16:38

Well, the old man can flare up anytime. That's why we need to be in check and checks and balance and will be until Christ comes and creates me creates us new.

Jacob 1:16:48

You've got a quick hold on it now compared to when you were younger, though. I mean, much, much better.

Grant 1:16:53

Oh yes, yes.

Jacob 1:16:54

I remember driving with you when we were when I was younger, you know. It's like your head was on a swivel and you were you were critiquing every driver, like look at this idiot, you know. Let me get around this guy.

Grant 1:17:05

Yep. But uh Yeah. But uh part of that probably came from driving in an underpowered car in uh and Los Angeles traffic, you know, Volkswagens, Dodge Darts. 65 Beetle, I'd be driving through, and your mother never knew because I didn't always tell her, but I would have two to three near misses every day, and that really that stacks up because I drive from South uh from Orange County and drive to North Los Angeles. Well, you're gonna see a a lot of different people, you know.

Jacob 1:17:38

I remember um on conversations we would have too, and you'd you'd beat yourself up to me, like, oh you know, I was I was so bad to you, and this and that. I'd say, Dad, you gotta look at the big picture. Yeah, you were going through um uh inflation at the time in the 80s, you know, you went through all the crap at your job, you know, these near misses every day. Yeah, they're not excuses to do right things that we do, but at the same time, you still have to love yourself and understand that there's external forces that are hammering you every day. Of course, and it doesn't make it easy. Right. I myself, you know, I'm constantly worried about eviction and trying to keep the lights on, and at the same time being fully present to play with Leon to being there for my wife and not because it's real easy to let your brain just carry you away. All right, what about that bill? What about that bill?

Grant 1:18:26

Yes, yes, yeah, yeah. And so I one of the things that really works for me is to get out in nature and try to hear that still small voice the Holy Spirit in the in the wilderness. And uh that's why I like where we live now, because we can get back in the hills and just see his glory, see the you know, through all things we there's there's a magic to that.

Jacob 1:18:57

I like what you said, the still small voice. That's the Quakers, I believe. And we lose that in this noisy society today. Absolutely. There really is, like to everyone listening, there's that there's a magic in stillness. Yes. Be still and know that I am God. Says the Lord. Amen. Yes, yes. When you're listening, you're not talking in your head, you're not chattering. Right. You're receptive. Right. It it it it sort of inverts you so that you're receptive instead of projecting. Exactly.

Grant 1:19:32

That's why one of the most beautiful things about being in the court of praise in heaven someday is we'll all be singing to the Lord. You can't argue with somebody when you're singing, it doesn't work. Have you ever tried it? Right.

Jacob 1:19:47

So Yeah, I I I envision that. It's like celestial whoopee, you know, it's just everyone having a good time. Hallelujah, hallelujah, you know, praise be. That's what we're here. For. Really, this life is divine nonsense, right? It's a game. It's for fun.

Closing

Grant 1:20:05

Are we going to trust the Lord in the and or are we going to succumb to our um schemes? Schemes through, you know, whatever. Yeah. Right, right. Yeah.

Jacob 1:20:16

Well, Dad, I could talk to you forever. Um, I know. And we will but uh before we close out, what do you want to leave me with? Not just as your son, but uh as somebody like on the on the path.

Grant 1:20:32

Amen. Well, first of all, I am happy for your uh your wanting to seek the word of the Lord in all things. Um because he's been a source of my strength. He has gotten me through these times. Amen. Thanks so much for being on the podcast, Dad. Thank you for having your dad who the Lord says, children, meaning you, Jacob, obey your children you obey your children. No, obey your parents. He doesn't say obey your perfect parents. And in my case it would be far from that. So anyways, thank you. It's been fun. I love you. I hope I've shed uh some light on some questions you might have had or wondered where I'm coming from. But I know where I'm going, God willing. Thank you. I love you. Amen. I love you too.

Psalm 37

Jacob 1:21:36

All right, everyone. Thank you for listening to Standing Nowhere. I want to leave you with something my dad read to close our conversation, Psalm 37, a passage about releasing anger and trusting in something bigger than ourselves. I'll see you next time.

Grant 1:21:57

Do not fret because of evildoers, nor be envious of the workers of iniquity, for they shall soon be cut down like the grass, and wither as the green herb. Trust in the Lord and do good, dwell in the land and feed on his faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the Lord, and he shall give you the desires of your heart. That's a promise we can take to the spiritual bank of God. Hallelujah. I added that, sorry. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in him, and he shall bring it to pass. He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. And now, because you have trusted in the Lord and committed to the Lord, the next verse is rest in the Lord and wait patiently for him. Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, because of the man who brings wicked schemes to pass, cease from anger and forsake wrath. Do not fret, it only causes harm. Hello. For evildoers shall be cut off, but those who wait on the Lord, they shall inherit the earth. But the meek shall inherit the earth, yes, and shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace. Hallelujah and amen.